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Is this tampo?

Discussion in 'Relationship Advice' started by thingymejig2, Apr 14, 2019.

  1. oss
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    oss Somewhere Staff Member

    Have you had any contact with a female by phone internet or otherwise, recently?

    Have you got old letters from a female anywhere in your home?

    Have you complemented or commented on any female while in the presence of your wife, recently?

    Do you know anyone who would want to upset you or hurt you by calling your wife and spreading rumours?

    Check your recent incoming phone history.

    Do you talk in your sleep?

    Lots more things like that.

    Seriously I am not taking the p***, just trying to get you to think outside the box.
  2. Druk1
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    Druk1 Well-Known Member

    Call her bluff,ask her which airline she prefers to fly back on ;) How long did you know her before you married?How much time did you actually spend together if you don't mind me asking?You got a sulker on your hands :ninja:
    • Disagree Disagree x 5
  3. bigmac
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    bigmac Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    is she missing someone from back home.. children ?

    why do you think she wanted to come to the UK? perhaps its not what she thought it to be.
    • Agree Agree x 1
  4. thingymejig2
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    thingymejig2 Active Member

    @oss I've racked my brains about all your lines of thought to be honest. Over and over.

    Before she came to the UK, I did as deep a clean as I could, so nothing regarding previous relationships or even innocent letters/notes from past female friends was still around.

    I honestly don't know if I talk in my sleep, but as my wife won't even begin to tell me what's wrong, I guess I'll never know! But, knowing her, that kind of thing would just make her laugh and she'd take great pleasure in telling me what I was saying.

    Only incoming calls I've had are from family and some PPI types.

    Same for messages. Nothing "incriminating". I don't regularly use social media, so very very little activity on there.

    I'm very careful about commenting on other woman etc, so I can't imagine anything like that's happened.

    There's only my last ex who might say something bad, given the chance. But I've blocked her on my phones and via social media. My wife knows about that history though, and already saw nasty comments first-hand from her on Facebook from our early days together - so she knows what she's like. She just found it humerous that someone could be so bitchy (the irony...).

    My wife's mobile number is pretty new and, as far as I know, only I have it.

    The only thing that's come to mind is that my nan died on Friday afternoon, so on the evening I just wanted a few hours by myself. My wife made a comment that I had no time for her, which at the time I thought she was joking - 99% of the time she jokes about everything. I asked her later that evening if she was upset with me over it (inside I thought she was being extremely insensitive) but she assured me it was okay. And as usual she was happily glued to her smartphone games anyway - it's not like she was sitting around bored.

    And plenty of times I've had to work in the home-office for hours on an evening and she's been totally fine with it. So nothing explains why she'd suddenly feel differently on that night, of all nights.

    @Druk1 I've already asked her if she wants to go home and she just sternly said, "that's your choice to send me back". She's really acting devoid of any emotion at all. Like she couldn't care less.

    I've spent about 7 weeks with her in Ph, over a ~9 month period, in between video/chatting every day, bar about 4 days. She's been living with me in the UK for about 4.5 months now. Seriously, I know I'm repeating my opening post, but everyday up until Friday night/Saturday has been like heaven. Absolute perfection. I just knew life couldn't possibly be this good indefinitely...
  5. oss
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    oss Somewhere Staff Member

    That's it, it makes no sense to us but she does not understand your need for that space and that little bit of time.

    From what you have said so far this would be the trigger.

    It might take a week before things return to normal you'll just have to wait it out, but you need to talk after that about how things can affect you and how people in this culture can behave when major things happen in life.
    • Agree Agree x 3
  6. thingymejig2
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    thingymejig2 Active Member

    @bigmac believe me, I've asked her, a lot. She denies missing anyone.
    She has no children of her own, but is quite close to her nieces and nephews.

    When I met her she hadn't been home in 10 years so I don't think she's overly attached to home (she did stay there while I was visiting and sorting the visa out though). And something which is quite odd that I've noticed is that she hasn't had her usual call with her sister over the weekend. Whereas she was seemingly calling her every day the past few weeks. Might be nothing...

    As far as she's ever told me, she's only come here because I'm here. She's said before that she had no real ambition to ever come here, but was happy to for me.
    I can only go by what she's said, and as yet she hadn't expressed any dissatisfaction or disappointment. In fact she likes a lot of things about the UK, including our climate!
  7. thingymejig2
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    thingymejig2 Active Member

    Wish I could hibernate for a week :D
    • Funny Funny x 1
  8. oss
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    oss Somewhere Staff Member

    When Ana was here in 2010 after demanding to come here from Korea where she had been working, there was one afternoon we were in Morrisons and after the groceries I had £20 left in the whole world, I had been through some really bad times losing my business and my home in Scotland, anyway she sees a cream cake in the sit down canteen area and wants me to sit down and buy coffee and cakes would probably have cost at least a tenner and I was a fortnight from my next wage, nowhere and no one to borrow from and I said no we can't afford it.

    I left her in the living room for the next week while I lived in the bedroom, I only have a one bed rented flat and the living room is by far the nicest part of the flat, took her the whole week to come out of it and she still felt abused and deserving at the end of it.

    The three months she was here that time was quite miserable for most of it with multiple episodes like that, we went back to the Phils that April and things got a bit better once she was back with the kids.

    Since then Tampo multiple times, sometimes it takes the form of her gambling all the money I sent for a month for the kids and her in one night, that happened last September, she is back in Korea trying to pay that off since September as she had to borrow the money to survive from her friends as I would not pay the debts, but she is still trying to get me to bail her out now as she is unemployed again after the last couple of weeks, not going to happen.

    The gambling is an extreme form of Tampo designed to punish me.
    • Like Like x 2
  9. Mattecube
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    Mattecube face the sunshine so shadows fall behind you Trusted Member

    Is she bored if you are working late and long hours? Dont forget the time difference makes communication hard at time with the Philippines has she made any friends of her own? Have you suddenly stopped going out so lief has become a bit different for her?
    • Agree Agree x 2
  10. bigmac
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    bigmac Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    it could be as simple as the british weather. my wife is complaining of the cold a lot this year.
  11. thingymejig2
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    thingymejig2 Active Member

    @Mattecube that's a hard one to call. She seemed very content just staying at home. I've tried to encourage her to go out while I'm at work during the day, but she says, "no need".

    My family have suggested they take her out during the day etc, but she declines.

    We do go out to eat, shop and stuff quite regularly but more often than not when I try to get her out she just says she'd rather stay at home. Which means I end up shopping alone frequently.

    I come back from work and cook for her most nights. We eat together, and we'll then sit and watch movies together all night (which she's only half-watching as phone is in-hand!)

    In the 4.5 months she's been here, I reckon I've had to work at home on an evening 5~10 nights. But she knows this is extra money for her family, for which we are saving to buy them land.

    Which reminds me, last night I asked her if something had happened with her family to upset her, and she said, "you don't care about my family". That cut pretty deep.

    I've explained to her before that I'm concerned about her staying home so much, but she insists she prefers it. Even when she was in Philippines with family she hardly went out though. And when I visited her and we stayed in hotels, it was a job just to drag her out.

    Between her smartphone games, Filipino TV and social media with friends & family she's seemed very content to lounge around.

    I have tried to make effort to do things with her on an evening, but she just sits there glued to her phone. I haven't challenged it because it's all innocent, whereas my ex was constantly gambling - that mobile phone became the bane of my life and a major contributor to our break-up. So while my wife isn't gambling I'm happy for her to spend as much time engrossed in it as she likes!

    As mentioned before, the situation hasn't slowly dwindled. It's gone from 100% blissful marriage to this over a single night.

    Just Thursday we went to Sopra Steria in Birmingham to process her FLR(M) docs/biometrics, and she was fine. We were laughing and joking, holding hands, hugging and kissing. She even took a moment to say to me, " thank you for everything you've done for me".
    Feels like the Bodysnatchers have replaced my wife!
  12. Druk1
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    Druk1 Well-Known Member

    That made uncomfortable reading,i really am sorry to hear that,i don't know your story but I truly hope things have improved in your circumstances.

    A friend of mines wife and kids have been here around 3? months now,she doesn't leave the house,lounges around in her pyjamas,he goes and does the school run mostly BUT she had a maid,driver and gardener in the PI,she was used to going to the gym and coffee with friends,my nephews girlfriend was in Wimbledon yesterday at a thai outdoor event,she complained it was bitterly cold,maybe the weather is a factor?
  13. Drunken Max
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    Drunken Max Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    I think building a network with local filipinos would help. At least she would have people nearby to complain about you to. Does she want to go to the local church (when shes talking to you )?
    • Agree Agree x 1
  14. bigmac
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    bigmac Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    aaah--she came over on a fiancee visa--and got wed here ? only just applied for her FLR--so she hasnt been able to get a job yet--is that right ? well if it is--she will soon be able to get one. Then she will be earning her own money--and SHE can send some back home to help support the ever widening family circle. half of my wifes take home pay disappears each month.
    • Funny Funny x 2
  15. Mattecube
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    Mattecube face the sunshine so shadows fall behind you Trusted Member

    Our lounge is a no phone zone!
  16. Dave_E
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    Dave_E Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    Hide the kitchen knives!
    • Funny Funny x 2
  17. thingymejig2
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    thingymejig2 Active Member

    Yes, that's right @bigmac , She has mentioned about working when her visa arrives. But then she says I will have to take her to work and back every day, because she's too shy to use public transport!

    I've asked her numerous times before if she wants me to take her to church, she says, "no need". She explains that she only went to service in Bahrain because there was nothing else better to do. And she never went to church once last year while she was hanging out in the Philippines. I don't really think she's overly religious - this came up *very* early in our conversations because I am far from religious. It never seemed to be a problem with her.

    My brother takes his son to church quite frequently and has offered to take my wife along too, but she declines (but she loves to see my nephew).

    I have also suggested she reach out to Filipinos in the UK to make friends etc. Guess what she says... "no need". We went to a Filipino pub/restaurant in Warwick the other week (I booked the day off work for her birthday), and there was (unsurprisingly) some Filipinos wandering around. She made zero attempt to talk with them, or even smile at them. In fact, she sat with her back to everything (just facing me). She certainly doesn't give me the impression she's desperate to make friends. A lot of it is shyness though i think.

    So, I do think I try to help her settle in, but it's very hard when she doesn't want it and continually assures me that she's happy just relaxing at home.
  18. graham59
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    graham59 Banned

    She's not going to slot into UK life and culture overnight. Remember, to HER , the UK is a foreign country, full of foreign people, most of whom she probably can't understand what the hell they're talking about, what with accents/dialect, and slang. These timescales you're quoting are all tiny. Are you nagging her too much about it ?

    Start taking some deep breaths, don't get paranoid, and give her some space... otherwise she might just ask you for a plane ticket back to her REAL loved ones.
  19. thingymejig2
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    thingymejig2 Active Member

    @graham59 I appreciate the reality check and advice to take a moment to look at myself, but honestly speaking I don't think I've nagged her at all. Maybe that's how my account has come across, but I truly believe that's not the case. For me, personally, and from a totally selfish perspective, it makes my life easier if she's at home all day. Knowing that she's safe at home is a weight off my mind while I'm at work.

    Despite this, I have always maintained that if she really wants to work, I would encourage her.

    With my ex, all the trouble, gambling, drugs, kidnapping (yep, kidnapping!), lone sharks, all happened as a result of her mixing with the wrong people. I do not want to go through that again!
    • Like Like x 1
  20. graham59
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    graham59 Banned

    Understood... just throwing in a few thoughts. :like:

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