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Please critique my mini train wreck

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by PorkAdobo, Feb 23, 2017.

  1. PorkAdobo
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    PorkAdobo Active Member

    What follows may be a bit rambling and disjointed, so please accept my apologies in advance. I suppose that's what happens when you find yourself in a bit of a pickle.

    I have been seeing a lovely Filipina for about 5 years. Me 37, she 28. A socially acceptable age difference!

    I'll be quite honest, I only stumbled into the relationship. Previously, I used to play the field and all that. But this one....I was really smitten. She was pretty, she's funny and I genuinely enjoy her company. And yes, I met her in a bar. Is that important? Possibly.

    In the 5 years we've been together, I've taken her abroad in other SE Asian countries several times. I've funded the births of both her newphews. Paid for her to go through a Caregiving course in school (she passed, but she wasn't exactly top of the class). I've bought 2 carabao. I've bought two motorbikes and a trike. I've bought her a plot of land in her home town (or village) in Tarlac. Big screen TV, etc etc. I'm not looking for a Nobel Prize here, my goal all along was to leave R in a better position than when I found her.

    Now we come to the problems.

    I call it a 'relationship' but I'm only ever a tourist to the Philippines. I visit every 3/4 months. That's not enough for something that's going on nearly 5 years. Eventually, there comes a point when someone (she) will require a stronger commitment. I'm perfectly ok with that. If she turned round to me and said she is going to marry some American guy she has been chatting with behind my back, I'd be a bit taken aback and surprised that I didn't notice anything, but I'd also be genuinely thrilled to bits that she has an opportunity like that.

    Why don't I just man up and bring her over to England?

    Well, therein lies further problems.

    Debt.

    I'm totally ashamed of myself, but I've had this £12k lead balloon attached to me for a long time. It happened before I ever met R. In all honesty, I should have concentrated on paying off that debt instead of lavishing all these riches on R. I know that. It's reached a point where I need to tackle this.

    Housing.

    Right now, it's all a bit shabby. I'm living in Grandma's! Yup, how's that for embarrassing!? To be honest, I quite like it. However, it's clearly a sub-optimal environment to be making babies.

    My life.

    Or lack thereof. Ever since I left university 15 years ago, I've lost contact with almost everyone. My childhood friends are in South Wales, uni mates are scattered far and wide. And I'm in Manchester where, for 15 years, I've simply never made any real friendships. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. I'm content with my own company. Would I want to inflict this on another person, though?

    So, we reach today (or a few days ago). It has reached the fork in the road. I broke up with R.

    I knew she had been chatting to some Japanese fella, so I used this as an example of how she will never be truly happy being in a part-time relationship with some English tourist. I honestly don't care about the 'infidelity.' I'm confident enough that if I was there permanently, she would be truly faithful (or as faithful as most other normal relationships). I've been around ordinary Pinays enough to get a grasp of when they're telling lies or being genuine. I've seen her Facebook conversations (she left her account signed in on my tablet) and whilst I'm clearly no Dingdong Dantes or Coco Martin (I still scrub up pretty well), she seems to have true feelings towards me.

    Inevitably, R has not taken this bombshell very well. The threats to kill herself etc. I could post some of her menacing pictures, but perhaps they are not appropriate? I knew that was coming and tried to move the conversation to a more mature level. I have been trying to stress that it is for the best. She is still young enough and pretty enough that she can find another guy. Of course, she insists I'm the only one, she will change, she is happy to wait for me etc. In 6 months time, we all know the same story will play out again. Permanent drama. I don't blame her. I think for a lot of young women in the Philippines, they see all those trashy soap operas and they think this is how they are supposed to react in these circumstances. They don't know otherwise.

    And then it comes to my reasons for signing up here.

    For the first time, I had a brief look at fiancé/spouse visas.

    There is a huge part of me that does not want to lose R. Despite her background, she is the sweetest girl I've ever met. If anything, it's now or never for us to be together.

    Looking at the requirements, I think we'd tick the boxes. My income level is fine. Clearly, I'd have some explaining to do if they did a credit check (I don't miss payments, I'm just paying off the minimum amounts)! The housing situation is also fine. There are plenty of Pakistani families on my street who bring in far more people to an average sized terrace. We have plenty of documented history together.

    However, I am not oblivious to the fact that I would be bringing R to a less than perfect environment. My family have no idea about her existence, but I can break the news to them. I think there would be a lot of ribbing at my expense, but I can live with that. Mother has suspicions I'm gay, so I think she'd actually be delighted.

    I don't know. I'd love to have her with me, I just don't want to put her in the middle of a bad situation. She'd make friends- no problem. There's an Iglesia ni Cristo just down the road in Chorlton/Stretford (her family is Iglesia, though she secretly goes to Catholic church with her friends). She'll meet Filipinos there. I daresay there will be some in the Catholic church as well if she flip-flopped with her faith.

    If you made it to the end- well done. I'm just asking for an outsider's view as to whether I should make a play to salvage the relationship and bring her to the UK, or is it in both our interests to pull the plug?
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  2. Methersgate
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    Methersgate Well-Known Member Lifetime Member

    If you make the income requirement then you may as well go ahead. Debt is not taken into account for the visa. Presumably your grandmother will consent to R living in her house. You will need that in writing for the application. As you probably know from your preliminary research into visas, the visa fee is not small. I suggest that you go down the "marriage settlement visa" route - what used to be called a "Fiancee Visa" - because that will give R a chance to see what she is in for and because if she chooses to go home you have saved the cost of a wedding and the cost of the Immigration Health Surcharge ("IHS")

    It sounds as if you have been pretty generous with the "support", so quite a bit of her distress when you told her you were breaking up may have been down to loss of income. As you know, that's normal. As you also know and have rightly said, the "drama" is just telesyrye stuff that she has learned from too much bad television.

    No, I don't think where you met has any bearing after five years. But she will be mortally afraid of you mentioning it.
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2017
    • Agree Agree x 3
  3. uklove
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    uklove Active Member

    If you love her go for it.
    If she loves you she will accept everything but its best to tell her upfront rather than her find out later.
    Regarding her temperament....you can take a girl out of the Philippines but you cant take the Philippines out of a girl...
    • Agree Agree x 4
  4. Methersgate
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    Methersgate Well-Known Member Lifetime Member

    Good advice. .

    It sounds as if you have been enjoying "being a holiday millionaire", but poor R has never known if you are serious about her or not. The many things that you have bought her have been a struggle for you, but, so far as she knows, you have bought it all out of the petty cash, because you are Immensely Rich!

    Now get on a plane, go and see her and tell her everything. The sooner, the better!!!
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  5. tipipay
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    tipipay Active Member

    As these fellas said, if you love her, go for it. And you seem to pass all the necessary requirements for a fiance visa. So, the possibility of bringing her in the UK is possible. :)

    But let me please talk to you with all honesty, sorry if you find this blunt -- First, you don't really have to shower a woman with too much money/things. If she really likes/loves you, showering her with things will just be a bonus for her. Maybe it's just you and I don't blame you. It's not bad. Gifts are part of a relationship. Give and take. It's bad if it's too much and you let yourself pile up with debts. I'm saying bad because the other party will solely "rely" on it. Giving them the option not to work and grow a career. In short, they will consider it as "income".

    Second, now that you're thinking of taking R in the UK, maybe you should pay more attention in paying off your debts? If not, it will just pile up. What happens if you bring R, get married and live in the UK? I'm not saying having a debt is bad, it's part of society these days. But having huge debts will surely affect your lives in the long run. Your debts will pile and pile and pile.

    Third, let her know of your true feelings and intentions! She might not know that.

    P.S. We won't live forever. If you wanted something/someone, go for it. Someday when you're old and sitting on your chair, you might reminisce the past and think of "what ifs". ;)
    • Agree Agree x 3
  6. Aromulus
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    Aromulus The Don Staff Member

    By showering her with gifts, "donations" and what not, you have created an almighty rod for your own back......
    You may have feeling for her, but, by now, I reckon she has you in her sights as a willing and pliable meal ticket.

    You are experiencing doubts, borne out of insecurity.....
    You will never be 100% happy with her..........
    "What if..." "What if..."

    Drop her gently, and move on.

    Sorry for being blunt.
    • Agree Agree x 1
  7. bigmac
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    bigmac Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    welcome to the site.
    dont worry--we all had to grow up sometime. its a painful process.

    have you actually worked out the full cost of bringing her over and marrying and setting up home together. welcome to a lot more debt.
  8. Maley
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    Maley Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum!

    As you've said, you're love story is such a tele -serye (or koreanovela) with lots of twists and turns.

    I'd say make up your mind on what makes you happy either : you go for it or move on. At the same time, you can also start working on a few of the issues you have mentioned.

    a) gifts are good but i think you have set up an unreasonable expectation. You have spoiled her and her family. Why dont you start giving gifts that are more 'effort-based'? (I used to challenge my husband to give a gift without spending anything ie a compiled love song, personalized virtual email, a ppt of our photos etc)

    b) debt is part of daily living out here in the western world, so no reason to be ashamed of it. You have now recognized that you have a problem, so why not start working on it? As you have mentioned, you are earning well enough to sponsor your girlfriend, so why not start having a budget, call the credit card company so you can consolidate it (and hopefully freeze the amounts) and then agree on a monthly payment plan?

    There are no problem you cant overcome - that what members of the forum have thought me.

    So goodluck and keep us posted!
    • Winner Winner x 1
  9. graham59
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    graham59 Banned

    Might be safer to stay broke...and single. :oops:

    .
  10. Methersgate
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    Methersgate Well-Known Member Lifetime Member

    Graham is being rather pessimistic!
  11. Timmers
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    Timmers Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    I think it was Dom who said that the chap had "made a rod for his own back," how true is that!

    If I was in the OP shoes I would first kick the Filipina into touch and then concentrate on clearing the debt, I say kick her into touch because she has been communicating with a Japanese chap which is a big no no and unforgivable in my book.
    • Agree Agree x 1
  12. graham59
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    graham59 Banned

    I wish I was a peso behind some of these Western Union girls. :(
    • Agree Agree x 2
  13. PorkAdobo
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    PorkAdobo Active Member

    The gifts have never been my way of buying love. I've always taken things one trip at a time. Every time I left the country, I was half expecting that would be it.

    Believe it or not, I'm not some naive lovestruck virgin who thinks this girl is pledging undying loyalty to me. I would never place that kind of pressure on someone to whom I've never been able to offer a commitment beyond being a tourist. That's really why I couldn't care less about the Japanese guy. I've been around a lot of 'good girls' with no connections to the bar scene or 'owt like that and seen them play the field. I don't blame them. They need to maximise their chances. I would bet a further £12k that the partners of many members here have very big secrets they hope are never exposed.

    Once the girl has then reached the promised land, most of them have then become perfect wives. Whether it's me or someone else who ends up with R, I'm certain she would be a great wife. She's not like Darth Vader who could never have been turned away from the Dark Side.

    R has sort of become my pet project. I care for the girl a lot. I just wanted to make her life more comfortable. Obviously, it has snowballed somewhat. And yes, she probably has come to rely on this. I am semi flabbergasted that nobody else has made a big play for her and made her a permanent partner.

    This is the sole reason why I've never even considered this before. I don't want to import a girl into what could become a good old mess.

    I've always been honest with the girl about my circumstances. I've never pretended that I live in a mansion with a Porsche and earn millions trading stocks. I've shown her my abode on Google Streetview, and M16 isn't always a pretty sight!

    Being 37 and still living with grandma doesn't shock most Filipinos. It's completely normal to live with family. When walking around the barangay and we see new houses being built (whether OFW or western husband they are all have foreign money behind them), I joke to her that she has ended up with some middle of the road guy who goes home to a mundane job.

    If I talked to her about debt, she wouldn't be able to grasp it. Normal living costs in the UK blow her mind, so me talking about PHP700,000 is simply not going to compute.

    I have no idea about the costs for the visa process.

    It's something I've only thought about over the past 48 hours. I've done a rudimentary check to see that I tick the basic boxes, and that's it! Obviously I'm going to have to delve into this further.

    I see this as possibly my last chance to a relationship with a girl who's roughly the same age. When I'm 50, would I ever look at a new prospective partner my same age? Perhaps I'm just incredibly shallow. There's stigma enough with having an Asian partner, even more so if you are 30 years her senior!

    The debt is something I'm terrified of confronting. Tackling that, plus the paperwork involved with bringing R to the UK, isn't something I would look forward to doing at the same time.

    Right now, I've got the mentality of a camel with his head in the sand. I'm paying off the minimum amounts so I don't get any hassle. I know this is terrible economics. Sooner or later, it will need positive action.


    A final spanner in the works is my job. I've been with my current employer (FTSE100 company, most of you will have used its services before) for 13 years. Unless I relocate (within the UK - no real opportunities abroad, alas), I've reached the glass ceiling of where I can be. However, I am facing the very realistic possibility of being the victim of outsourcing. From possibly October, I might be TUPED to a new firm, and then 12 months after that, god knows what new conditions I would have. It's all speculative as nothing is confirmed, but most of us are pessimistic. I have an interview for a new job on Monday which I'm quite confident about but could mean a pay cut, though opportunities for further promotion would be higher. I might wait until then before deciding one way or the other.
  14. Maley
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    Maley Well-Known Member

    A few comments:
    - face the music now rather than later in in relation to your debt. I know its daunting but so is burying your head in the sand.
    - if your gal is serious and determined, you dont have to waddle through the paperworks, she will take the responsibility single-handedly. My now husband is blissfully unaware of the nitty gritty involved in it (he has read the forms we have submitted, signed anything he needs to and i prepare a list of documents i need from him and that is it).
    - now on your work, you did say that you are confident that you are going to get the new one, so its not an issue then

    - no we filipinos, dont mind living with family (parent, aunt, uncles, grandparent etc). Older generation are a great source of wisdom and are the best baby sitters!

    Lastly, you need an inspiration to wake you into action and the current one, in my opinion, is not 'the one'. She should inspire you 'to be the best version of you'.
    • Agree Agree x 2
  15. Mattecube
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    Mattecube face the sunshine so shadows fall behind you Trusted Member

    Honest opinion I wonder if you would be so focused on this girl if you had a circle of local friends or were around your uni mates is it loneliness coupled with the burden of debt. I don't know, you have your health and a roof over your head you have work albeit in a state of flux.
    You need to decide what you want to do, draw up a plan on your finances with a must pay and disposable cash headings.
    You say you haven't mentioned her to your family after 5 years, ask yourself earnestly why not. You say if someone swept her off her feet away from you you would understand and be happy for her and you understand her chatting to the Japanese guy to me that is a big no.
    I wish you well in your decisions and at the crossroads of your life.
    • Like Like x 1
  16. PorkAdobo
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    PorkAdobo Active Member

    Oh my! I wish R was as confident as you! As much as I care about the girl, I know her limits. When we are given the forms to complete on the plane for immigration, I've sat back and watched her try and complete it. It's something that confuses me (and annoys me) in the Philippines that so much official paperwork is exclusively in English. R didn't learn English at school. Her family and neighbours who went through the same schooling system speak very little English. R told me, quite proudly, that she learnt English in the bar!

    When she did her Caregiving course, 90% of the materials were in English. I met most of her classmates when we went out to celebrate her birthday. Most of them spoke very basic, pidgin English. I simply don't know how they understood their materials without a good looking English boyfriend to help them.

    I think R would struggle immensely with visa paperwork. For something so important where a wrong answer could mean doom, I couldn't let her do it alone!

    To be honest, I really do think she is the One.

    Unfortunately, she is the right person at the wrong time.
  17. PorkAdobo
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    PorkAdobo Active Member

    There's probably a degree of truth in that for myself and a lot of people who end up with Filipina partners. A lot of us are misfits in some shape or form.

    My own background is that I was sexually abused as a kid (by a woman, thank heaven for small mercies), and I can see the changes that happened with me. I went from being a confident kid who would go and play with anyone, and ended up like a recluse. I couldn't approach new people. Nobody other than myself and the abuser know of this (though I didn't fully realise I was abused until well into my 20s). I didn't go killing cats or tearing down the wallpaper or crying all the time. Outwardly I appeared like a normal child, but one who was still a bit weird. That has always affected my abilities to make new friendships. The confidence was gone. I really only came to terms with this about 10 years ago where I now have more self confidence.

    If things had been more conventional, I'd probably have had normal friendships and a social scene that would have taken me towards other relationships. That ship has now sailed (unless I sign up at Slimmers World or something like that). I now recognise that my chances of getting an attractive partner lie outside the UK. Unless I win the Lottery, of course.

    I never mentioned her because I never expected things to last. I always thought that she would find some other sucker and go off to bigger and better things. Why would I tell my family about some 'fling' I had in the Philippines? Would it met be with mirth, disgust or just confirming my reputation as a weirdo?

    R has introduced me to all her family. She takes me to her church. I'm not paraded as a winning raffle ticket. It would be a bit taboo if the Iglesia knew of R's previous background. But I'm accepted as her partner. She has never said anything, but I know it hurts her that I've never let her chat with grandma or my dad. Well, maybe not grandma because she's stone deaf and there's not a chance R would understand her Irish accent, nor grandma understand R's Filipino twang. Maybe the time might be coming? I really don't know!
    • Like Like x 1
  18. JoshuaTree
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    JoshuaTree Active Member

    Welcome here and well done for posting your story, definitely not easy I know.
    M16, home of the Theatre of Dreams, excellent :D
    All the advice above is excellent, so just my tuppence to add:
    1. If you want her, go for her and commit fully. Fiancé visa is definitely the way to go, chance for her to commit to you by coming here but you can both still pull out if she can't cope with the UK.
    2. Full disclosure. If she knows your full situation, then make it clear what your life here entails, what it means for her, that the family support would stop while you focus on your own finances, what she'd need to contribute, etc. If she's STILL all can't-live-without-you-must-be-with-you, signs are good.

    :like:
    • Agree Agree x 3
  19. Methersgate
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    Methersgate Well-Known Member Lifetime Member

    You can do the paperwork for her. I did it all for K. Yes, I was terrified of it to begin with, but we got everything done.

    Forgive me for saying so, but that sounds like self pity.

    The time is not going to get better and your circumstances have not changed much in the last five years.

    Twelve thousand pounds is not an impossible amount; In 2003 I found myself unemployed with a non working wife with a baby a seven year old and with a County Court judgement for £20K. I cleared it and cleared my credit rating. I had to. You can do it.

    If you let her go, what will you do instead? Wallow in self pity?
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    • Agree Agree x 2
  20. graham59
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    graham59 Banned

    Well I'm glad that at last somebody has mentioned the young lady's interests in all this...:rolleyes:

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