Gerry Connors walked his dog through the village every day. One day Mr Connors is on his walk without the dog. His pal Billy sees him and asks: "Where is your dog?" Mr Murphy answers: "I had to have him put down." "Was he mad?" asks Billy. "He wasn't too pleased," Mr Murphy replies.
A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things. The first little boy says, "Alligator." "Very good, that's a big word." The second boy says, "Predator." "Yes, that's another big word. Well done." Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss." After nearly falling off her chair, she says,"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything." "Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"......
Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road.
My mate was in an accident involving a lorry carrying omega 3 supplements, at first we thought his injuries were superfishoil
I was in Paris last weekend with the missus on a romantic break. When walking down the Champs Elysees a load of cyclists came bombing down. They were swerving in and out of traffic shouting obscenities. We got called "puff, paedo!, ......s! ....monkey, .... ...., nob jockey, piss flaps, #$##! ##^!!" Turns out it was the Tourette's de France.
A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?" The woman says, "Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists. "
Wife : "I had a dream. They were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars." Husband : "How about the ones like mine?" Wife : "Those they gave away." Husband : "I had a dream too. They were auctioning off ****s. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand." Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?" Husband : "That's where they held the auction
Gynaecologist to patient: "My word Mrs. Smith, you do have a big ****** ******" Mrs. Smith: "You needn't say it twice" Gynaecologist: "I didn't!"
