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Dating site advice

Discussion in 'Relationship Advice' started by paul233, Sep 2, 2018.

  1. paul233
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    paul233 New Member

    I thought I'd like to share my experience of meeting Filipina girls on dating sites. I don't pretend to be an expert on dating sites (who is?) but since my partner is the 13th (!) girl I met in this way, I have gained some experience! I was looking for a woman with at least two (young) children, as I wanted a family and a serious long-term relationship, and I planned to live permanently in the Philippines, so my advice probably applies mostly to others who want a serious relationship and either live here, or spend a lot of time here.

    So what was wrong with the other twelve? I don't know if I'm fussy, or was just unlucky, but I think you have to be almost sure it's the right kind of person for you (though you can never be completely sure in the early stages). I would advise against writing to a girl for a long time before you meet her; there were so many I met who turned out to be not what I wanted, in spite of a couple of weeks of friendly messages, sometimes including the words "dear" and "honey". I was based in Cebu, and flew to Manila twice and one other place to meet girls from a dating site, which turned out to be just a waste of time and money. Then I decided only to contact girls from Cebu province. That also has the advantage that the girl (and you) can regularly visit her family, if you find the right one.

    Many dating sites indicate when the girl was last online, and most men probably contact the ones who were recently, or are often, online. Well, in my humble opinion (and maybe some will disagree), often the nicest girls are the ordinary, poor, working-class girls who don't have Internet on their phones, live somewhere with no Internet access, or maybe don't even have a phone. So they go to a cybercafe once a week or a fortnight, and of course have much less chance of meeting someone. You may think that if your partner is from a poor background, that her family will be after your money; that of course may be true in some cases, but in my experience, in poor countries, the people who are most after your money are not the really poor people, but the ones who have a bit of money already!

    Well, I think this post is long enough now. Nice to have some reactions!
  2. graham59
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    graham59 Banned

    Interesting stuff.

    Why would one purposely seek out a lady with children though ?

    Have you had a vasectomy ?
  3. paul233
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    paul233 New Member

    No, I haven't. Because as I said, I wanted a family and I like family life. By the way, it makes it much easier to see what the person is really like; you meet her with her children and you see how she behaves towards them. In some cases, they came to my house and then I could see what the person was like in a domestic situation. After all, that's what counts if you want a marriage-like relationship, not how charming she may seem over a cup of coffee or a meal in the mall.
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  4. Markham
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    Markham Guest

    I see. Are you looking for a wife or a maid?
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  5. Aromulus
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    Aromulus The Don Staff Member

    I wasn't looking for anything, really............. Look where that got me...........

    maid, wife, labandera, cusinera.... nag, nag, nag....
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  6. Drunken Max
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    Drunken Max Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    It does seem a bit transactional. I think one of the concerns western men have is that are they loved? or are they only a meal ticket. I met Mica on a dating website. She was the first person I messaged and I left as soon as we didn't need it to message. I had no plan. I had just left my home and family so was probably quite vulnerable. Thats where the philippino kicked in, she listened and talked and I healed and fell in love. I may well have been to told to heal and fall in love but I needed it.

    Dating sites are good and it might take time to find the right person, someone who thinks you are the right person for them as well. We aim for perfection and settle for total happiness.
    • Agree Agree x 2
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  7. paul233
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    paul233 New Member

    Some more advice, maybe the most important advice of all! Don't even consider writing to someone who's separated! (still officially married). There's another thread here with some good advice about what to do if you're already in a relationship with a separated woman, but this is for those who are still looking for someone. You think you've planned and prepared everything for your upcoming extended trip to the Philippines, read up about immigration, weather, cost of living, etc. and then suddenly (because you didn't have time to read all the forums about everything) you find yourself in a situation where you could be arrested or blackmailed. If you want more details, read the other thread.
  8. PorkAdobo
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    PorkAdobo Active Member

    If you're looking specifically for women with not just one, but TWO children, that could be tricky. The girl could understandably say she is a single mother. However, short of demanding a Cenomar, you have to take her at her word. Of course, this is a possibility with any woman but the likelihood increases when multiple children are involved.

    Personally, I would filter out women with children if using dating sites. I was raised (like countless others) with step families and didn't enjoy it. I wouldn't want to put another kid in the same position. Your romanticised vision of idyllic family life can easily blow up in your face, especially with the clash of cultures. Undeniably there are success stories (Graham appears to be a positive example) but there are many where you are simply a man going out with the children's mother.
    • Agree Agree x 5
  9. Maharg
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    Maharg Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    And important thing to remember when you are with a woman with children. You are NOT the children's father and never will be.
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  10. bigmac
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    bigmac Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    very sound advice.

    i met my ( now ) wife through plenty of fish. she was already in the UK--living in the same town as me--on a student visa ( so she could work and send money home.) this was in 2011.

    we were both already married. my ( previous) wife was still living in my house, although the marriage was over.

    my filipina girlfriend had a husband back home--but the had separated 5 years before.

    she was totally upfront about her intentions--to find a british man--get married--get a UK settlement visa and bring her 2 kids over. i was this weeks lucky contestant.

    very long story short. she filed for divorce--here--in the UK--and was successful. then went back home when her visa expired in aug 2012. we thought this was enough to apply for the settlement visa but i couldnt get any definite answers from forum advice.

    she got a visit visa in july 2013--and came over for 6 months. in that time she started annulment proceedings--again--from here in the UK.. that took nearly 16 months. her filipino husband was in agreement. got the annulment in feb 2015. not many of her relatives...or his...know about the annulment--she kept it quiet. i gather its not something to be proud of over there. THIS IS THE MAIN REASON I WONT VISIT THE PHILIPPINES need i say more ?

    time ran out for her daughter--she turned 18 by then--so couldnt apply for a dependant visa.

    now it looks very doubtful about her son--hes 13 now and his father is still on the scene, although not living with him.
  11. paul233
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    paul233 New Member

    I don't quite understand what you mean by "the girl could say she is a single mother". Why would any girl write that she was a single mother on a dating site if she wasn't, when most men prefer a woman without children?

    But I agree with you about the possible pitfalls of being a stepfather. Much will depend on the biological father, the age of the children, and other factors. In my case, the biological father is dead. It's actually surprising how many fathers have died young.
  12. CampelloChris
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    CampelloChris Well-Known Member

    Are they mutually exclusive?
  13. Markham
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    Markham Guest

    That depends on how brave you are and whether you prefer singing with the tenors to singing with the trebles! :lol:
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  14. bigmac
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    bigmac Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    my wife is the perfect wife--as defined by Jerry Hall.
  15. graham59
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    graham59 Banned

    Good post sir.

    My 'positive' story, was by no means a smooth ride though. Hard work at times... but worked out well (for the kids) in the end, I'm pleased to say.

    Taking on the children of 'another' is certainly a challenge not to be underestimated, even more so , when your biological kids come along, and you need to be fair... and SEEN to be fair to all. :like:
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  16. paul233
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    paul233 New Member

    Interesting, Graham, and I'm glad it worked out well in the end. How old were the children when you first met them? In my case the oldest was 7 and the youngest 4 months (that was a year ago).
  17. PorkAdobo
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    PorkAdobo Active Member

    A single mother would still get more clicks than a profile which says 'separated'. Many girls don't fully understand the enormity of the difficulties faced when they drop the bombshell that they are married.

    Although it's tragic for the children, the best case scenario is that the father has died. Indeed, you only have to look at building sites, watch people drive their motorcycles or just watch news of the latest typhoon to understand why the life expectancy in the Philippines is lower than the UK. Even then, I'd be stalking social media as the mother is bound to have mutual friends. Filipinos are typically not shy to share intimate events online so there will probably be some RIP posts if the death is in the past 5 years or so.

    If it turns out that Dad is still breathing but was never married , that could still be just as complicated!

    If you meet a girl and you both click, and she happens to have children, that's something you just have to deal with. But searching out women with kids for a ready assembled family.....I don't know.
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  18. Markham
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    Markham Guest

    Possibly a need for instant gratification, a desire to reap the benefits without having had to make any effort; in a word: laziness. And a likely case of "Me, me, me".
  19. OTT
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    OTT Active Member

    On the face of it , a rather strange post . Would you care to elaborate on the benefits of the OP's choice that he made ?

    I doubt many men begrudge the "effort " required to create a family .
    Last edited: Sep 4, 2018
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  20. OTT
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    OTT Active Member

    Interesting post paul233, I have read of several posters on here who have used dating sites successfully to meet their now partner or wife .

    I myself , have over the last four years met a few girls online , followed up by a meeting where they lived . I found that I could tell within 10 minutes of meeting whether it would lead to anything more than a one off meeting .

    Like you , I preferred girls who were not online frequently , or for long periods of time . Delayed replies , often meant they are chatting to several people at the same time.

    From my experience , there were far fewer girls claiming to have no children , than there were single moms .

    Getting involved with a girl with a child , poses far more challenges and complications , but if you want the relationship to succeed , you need to accept that they come as a package , that will very rarely be separated .

    Several posters seem to have accepted this situation , and gone on to have a happy relationship with the girl and her child .

    Provided you are happy with the situation , good for you , it's nobody else's business .
    Good luck , and thanks for sharing your experiences .

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