Did you know there is a new website for muslim terrorists to get in touch with their old pals? It's at www.friends-reignited.com
My Chinese pal told me he had opened a Crows Shop I said “You mean Clothes Shop!” He said “No Crows……come in and have a Rook!”
A dog goes into the telegraph office to send a telegram to his cousin. He gives the clerk his message to send, which reads "woof woof woof, woof woof woof, woof woof woof." The clerk says, "you know, you've only got 9 words there, you could put another woof in for the same price" The dog says "But that wouldn't make sense at all…"
Breaking News: Potential tsunami detected by new earthquake sensors off the coast at St. Tropez. [edited]Sorry Boots, not appropriate for the public forum even though it is the humour section.
Ha ha...Nice one.. So funny,I nearly spat out my coffee! Now everyone is gonna want to see what it was!
Here`s one from the great Bernard manning told at the The Wheeltappers and Shunters Social Club.. A Yorkshire couple go to the Costa Brava for a holiday, but on arrival, the wife says "I won't be able to make gravy with your dinner, love - I've forgotten the Bisto" The husband says, "Don't worry, there's an English couple staying in the next apartment, I'll see if they have any" So he knocks on the door of the next apartment, and says to the man" 'Allo, 'hast any Bisto" To which the man replies ... "Piss off, you Spanish prat!""
Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green Massey Ferguson tractor. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay. "What the heck are you doing Mick?" says Paddy. "Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me", says an obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor...!!!...
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinean, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club... The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai. "
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".
Bloke driving along in the car, when he gets pulled over by plod. Police Officer says "Having you been drinking sir?" Driver replies "Why, Is there a fat bird in the passenger seat!"
