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Things I have learned!

Discussion in 'Humour' started by TheTeach, Nov 12, 2010.

  1. TheTeach
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    TheTeach Le Maître Senior Member

    Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

    Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

    Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

    Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

    Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

    Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    Ø If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

    Ø We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

    Ø War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

    Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

    Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

    Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

    Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

    Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

    Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

    Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

    Ø I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.

    Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

    Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."

    Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

    Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... So I said "Implants?"

    Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

    Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

    Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

    Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

    Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

    Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

    Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

    Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

    Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

    Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

    Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

    Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

    Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

    Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

    Ø I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila.

    Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

    Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.

    Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

    Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

    Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

    Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

    Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    Al.:england:
  2. Kuya
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    Kuya The Geeky One Staff Member

    Think I might nick some of these for my Facebook quotes..
  3. TheTeach
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    TheTeach Le Maître Senior Member

    Be my guest!

    Al.:england:
  4. florgeW
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    florgeW Lady Mod Senior Member

    Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    SO TRUE!!! hahaha
  5. oss
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    oss Somewhere Staff Member

    :rofl:

    Oh my god, I still have not stopped laughing, you managed to bring some happiness to a very depressed man :D

    Priceless all of them, but a lot of them were new to me particularly :-

  6. TheTeach
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    TheTeach Le Maître Senior Member

    Glad to have helped Oss. Why the depression though?

    Al.:england:
  7. oss
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    oss Somewhere Staff Member

    Oh just life Al, too many things all happening at the wrong time and too many other things not happening when they should, long story. :)
  8. TheTeach
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    TheTeach Le Maître Senior Member


    Hmmm..........someone I know has a life like that!!!! Maybe we should meet and chat!

    Al.:england:

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