Juve Rodriguez and Pamalar Fernandez were in work and it was nearing lunchtime. "Are you coming for lunch, Pam?" says Juve. Pam says no. " I am just working my way through this Skype log. Day 355 of 365. Some Geordie is just saying Goodnight Pet to his loved one. Wont be long now he says if the ECO doesnt cock it up for us" "What does he mean by that?" Pam asks. "Hand me another kleenex tissue Juve, please!" "I have got to finish this off otherwise I am on vacation tomorrow and it will be another 60 day job if I don't get this finished off today." "If he didn't keep saying why aye pet all the time it would take far less time to read it...." "I know what you mean" says Juve, knowingly. "You know, I got literally thrown a pile of papers from a punter, I mean applicant, the other week and they landed on the floor right in front of me, scattered under my seat and table. It took ages to collect them all up and in order. No wonder it takes so long to process these applications"" Two sets of papers together. You know one Skype log looks just like another" "Funny you should say that" says Pam. I had a refused application returned to me the other day while you were away and the punter, I mean applicant, said that he thanked me for the refusal but did I need glasses?" "Why did he say that Pam?" said Juve. "Well, he said that he had submitted about 100 photos of him and his loved one and yet we refused him on the grounds of lack of proof of an ongoing relationship. No photos or anything" "And you have just said that a heap of papers were dropped on the floor from two sets of applicants, I was wondering, in sorting out the mess, if you got the photos in with the wrong punter, I mean applicant". Says Pam. "I have got another application here where there are heaps of photos but they don't match the applicants passport photo LOL" Pam chortled mockingly. " What am I supposed to do there?" Said Pam, sounding distraught. "Look Pam" says Juve, you are sounding really down. Look on the bright side. Office party this afternoon!"
"Wake Up Juve" said Pamalar. "The FCO is coming down, we need to tidy up a bit as he was complaining how untidy it is down here." It was Friday. The office party had gone fantastically well and there was still a good number of paper aeroplanes scattered around the office still. "Oh. I am terribly sorry", said Juve. I nodded off reading someones joint statement. They all sound the same once you have read as many as I have. " Take a look as these photos Juve" says Pam. "Doesnt the bride look beautiful? He is 65 and she is 23 and they want to spend the rest of their lives together, it says here". They have only known each other for 4 months. But thats 4 months worth of Yahoo Messenger chat. I cant be bothered reading through all of that right now but I love the wedding dress. Look at that intricate work, doesnt she look beautiful? I have come to a decision. " says Pam, earnestly. "I have made up my mind and after careful consideration I am going to award her the Spouse visa. Its the wedding dress that has swung it for me". With a look of satisfaction and an emphatic thump, she stamps the passport and attaches the visa. " Job done Juve" she says. " That one only took 15 minutes. A thousand pounds for 15 minutes work. I wish I got even half of that" "Quick, the FCO will be on his way down any minute now. Stuff those loose papers that are under your desk, into that draw, otherwise he will be so mad at us...."
There was a loud bang bang bang from outside. Juve peered out of her window and just outside, construction workers were carrying out foundation work on the plot of land next to the office. “What’s that they are doing out there?” said Juve. “Haven’t you heard”, said Pam, “that’s the new extension for all the applicants paper work that comes in”. Notice that we ask them to photocopy everything, well that's where the photocopies end up. We have to keep them for up to 5 years. The FCO says that we are absolutely maxed out upstairs in Archives.” “Part of the problem” said Pam, informatively, “ is that the harder we make it for the applicants to succeed with their applications, the harder they try and so month on month the volume of papers attached to every application goes up”. "I had a huge parcel hit my desk a few weeks back, fresh in from VFS and I said to the courier “Another 10 spouse visa applications?” “ He said no miss. It says here only 1 spouse visa application.” “ I opened it up and sure enough it was one application from a Filipina from Samar who had known her husband for 7 years and she had absolutely thrown everything she had on the application, for fear of refusal. And then of course photocopied it.” “I see” said Juve. “I had to put in for overtime last week as I couldn’t get my backlog clear for the month. There is certainly a lot of paperwork coming in and you are right, it isn’t getting any smaller”. Juve mused for a bit and then said “When did you last get a pay rise Juve?” “ I can’t complain” said Pam, we are in the best business there is in Manila.” “They don’t pay such high rates at the French Embassy or the Irish Embassy, not by a long shot.” “ Do you know Juve, they say that the UK government is trying to stop immigration into the UK altogether?” “That right Pam?” said Juve, listening attentively. She had only been in the job a year and was already getting used to the security the income provided and the weekly trips to the Mall of Asia. She certainly didnt want to contemplate having to seek work elsewhere. “ Don’t believe a word of it Juve”, said Pam. “They make too much money out of it.” “Third only to Petroleum Revenue Tax and VAT on cigarettes, in terms of UK government revenue.” “Laugh out loud” said Juve excitedly but then there was a hush as the sound of the footsteps of the FCO drew towards the door….
.....the door burst open and as if by fanfare, the FCO made his entrance. He had his customary Union Jack bow tie on, as ever. Buzzing around him, almost like a satellite was his peronal assistant, who seemed to be jotting down his every word on her ipad mini. The PA was dressed immaculately and with long black hair freshly rebonded. The FCO stopped and paused and then addressed the roomwhere ECO's and ECO Assistants had gathered. "I have an announcement to make" and with that he clicked his fingers and into the room was wheeled a trolley, complete with champagne buckets, glasses and several bottles of the FCO's favourite. The finest Dom Perignon 2004. He then continued. "Whilst Miss Dismay wasnt exactly over the moon with us just now" he said, "George has phoned me and congratulated me on our contribution to the exchequer coffers this month and to keep up the good work". "As many of you know, we not only process UK visas for the Philippines but also for the whole of South East Asia". Juve noticed that while he was speaking, his Union Jack Bow tie span around, "no doubt while his hands were in his pockets" she thought, knowingly. The FCO continued. "And of course it has put a great strain on our resources here in Manila with the huge number of visa applications that we process now. No wonder it takes us 3 months instead of three weeks of old, to process each set of monthly applications". As he was speaking his assistant, cracked open the bubbly and proceeded to hand it around generously. "And as is customary, at the end of the quarter, we have to, reluctantly do something about the backlog of unprocessed application papers". And with that he removed his hands from his pockets and flipped out a shiny £1 coin. The FCO then nodded to Pam and called "heads or tails?" Pam, knowing the routine decided to go for heads this time. With that the FCO tossed the £1 coin into the air. The FCO seemed to only impart a modest amount of energy into the effort and yet the coin spun high into the air above their heads. On the way up it seemed to slow down considerably as if in slow motion yet kept rotating mesmorisingly as it went. Juve could see the queens head very clearly now as the coin only just continued to rotate. Pam, meanwhile noticed that the FCOs bow tie was spinning again and sure enough his hand was back in his pockets. Pam began to wonder if she had too much champagne. It was as if she was in a trance. And at that moment she experienced a deja vu style flashback to the office party. And then she noticed that the assistant was busy clearing away some of the papers that had been placed out on the desk and she could hear the ominous whirring of the shredder in action. The coin had reached the top of its travel now. The whole room was capitivated at the moment. It seemed to hang for considerable time but was on its way back down, gathering momentum and increasing rotation on the way. It landed in the hand of the FCO. He quickly turned it onto the back of his wrist and revealed the coin face to the room. "Heads it is" said the FCO. "It's your decision Juve!" Juve thought a for a moment. She looked at the papers set out at one end of the huge table in the middle of the room. It was a Fiancee Visa. She remembered seeing it when it first came in and recalled the applicant mentioning in their statement how handsome her husband was and so Juve thought a bit longer. "Yes" she then cried "Give them the visa!" and at that point the entire room cheered and they all raised their glasses in celebration. "Now", said the FCO. I want my assistants to study the photos that have been submitted by this applicant here. Quickly read their statement. Dont bother with the chat logs or we will be here all week. he gave them just a few brief minutes and then he handed out a set of cards to 5 of the people gathered in the room and once they were done looking through the photos and and paerwork he called upon them to come to a decision. "Well" he said, "Whats it to be?" Pam immediatel held her cards aloft. "9.9" cried the FCO. Folowed by "9.8, 9.8, 9.5, 9.9" the FCO called. "That looks like a visa to me"! And again they raised their glasses of bubbly. "Right" said the FCO. That has cleared the backlog. The last 5 applications for the month of May". "5", thought Juve. "That was only two". But then she recalled the shredder in action, earlier.
