Domestic Violence

This is a subject I think has never had a full airing online throughout our community and I hope it does not affect members here, but based on a few conversations I have had with Rizza over the last year I think it is wise to bring this subject up and talk about it. That Subject is domestic violence!

I am the only son in a family of four sisters and each one of my sisters has experienced forms of domestic violence at some point in their lives. These instances also happened at a time before I was an adult (I am the youngest of my family with 8 years separating me from my youngest sister) and as a young boy I felt powerless to deal with them. There was one time I remember being at one of my sisters houses when her husband suddenly freaked out and chased her into the hallway, I ran after him to try and stop him but as a 13 year old boy I was far smaller and weaker than he was. My lasting memory of that moment was his banging her face against the floor repeatedly.

I left the house and called the police who duly arrived and asked some questions, but as my sister was nt going to presss charges nothing was done.

I am happy to say that this sister has long since divorced that violent man, he is now regarded with disdain by most people who know him. Due in part to his aggression, but also to his many addictions which he uses as excuses to the bad things he continues to do.

My youngest sister married a man who has since turned out to be a far more violent individual. His abuse is both with his fists and with mental abuse. I have not seen him in over ten years as after new year 2000 he suddenly decided that my other sisters and my mother were too troublesome to allow into his house and so had forbidden . My sister then also stopped contact after her eldest son ran away from home making allegations of physical abuse (who is now half way serving a 7 year prison sentence, seems is upbringing was far from stable and loving), those allegations washed over and he found himself back home with his abusive step father and scared mother.

The details of the abuse from my other two sisters is sketchy but they did not put up with it for long. I am glad to say one of those sisters who for many years stuck around whilst her boyfriend (they never got round to marry, despite many proposed dates too) is now married to a man who loves her dearly and has stated on numerous occasions his dislike towards men who hit their wives/girlfriends. They are an example of how an abused person can move on with their life and find a better alternative.

The affects on these abuses took their toll on me too. It was as a direct response to these men I started Martial Arts as young adult and continued wit that even as it evolved from Filipino Martial Arts through to Mixed Martial Arts. Through this side of my life I met and befriended people who are professional fighters, I became a nightclub doorman (though temporarily, not a great job to have). I took it upon myself to transform from the scared boy too small to help his sister to a man able to meet such a threat should it happen again. I also read the works of Gavin DeBecker, who specialises in abuse and stalking and how to avoid it, as well as other books touching on te subject. More importantly, I made myself a promise when I was thirteen years old that I would never raise my hand against my girlfriend or wife (a promise I have never been tempted to break). In fact the worst I have ever done after an argument is storm out of the house and go for a long walk, that is my way of letting off my anger and frustrations..

I told all of this to Rizza as when we first met up she was (understandably) concerned that if she was to ravel half way around the world to live with somebody, he was not going to abuse her in this way. And given the size difference between myself and Rizza it is more important for her own safety that she asks those questions. And I would suggest any woman considering a relationship should also ask these questions of the man in her life.

So far this write up is pretty depressing, so apologies and I would like to introduce some good news. Since my days as a teenager, their have been new laws applied and more help available for women in these cases. Had I been a child today calling the police to report of domestic abuse to my sister, upon their arrival if they can find evidence of an assault they will forgo the request of the victim and press charges against the attacker and arrest them. So all it takes is a witness and clear signs of violence and abusers get either help to change or jail time.

We assume that all victims of domestic violence are women, but the truth is they are often the abusers of such violence. I have been told of many men who would dare not hit their wives, but their wife was often throwing things at them, hitting, scratching or biting them and causing actual harm. The men, too scared to react in a physical way will often try to just cover up and wait for the aggression to pass. This is wrong! Whenever a man or a woman abuses their partner in what should be the safest place in the world - their home. The abuser either needs to seek help to stop or the victim must end the relationship and move on. Abuse does not stop over time, it might not surface for many years but an abusive husband or wife can erupt into a rage whenever the moment strikes them.

If anyone here is in an abusive relationship, either as an abuser or as the victim. I urge you to get help. I will list some links below to get more information.

Womens Aid - is the key national charity working to end domestic violence against women and children.

Mens Advice Line - a confidential helpline for all men experiencing domestic violence by a current or ex-partner

Direct Gov Domestic Violence - Help and advice from this government website