Separate names with a comma.
Discussion in 'Humour' started by Mattecube, Mar 11, 2018.
Was just being PC with that one.
A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their 10th wedding
anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion
I think that it is time I made a confession......
Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years..'
The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and
says, 'my love, you have been a perfect wife for 10 years and I cannot hold
your past against you..
Maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade so as to spice up our
sex life a bit..?'
She said, 'Darling I don't think you understood me correctly, my name was
Brian and I played rugby for Wales .
I was on a day trip to Skegness the other week where I witnessed totally disgusting behaviour on the beach on a Sunday. A man and a woman were arguing in front of a load of kids then she smacked him on the head and it all kicked off between them. The police turned up and the policeman ended up using his baton on the bloke but the man actually managed to get the baton off the policeman and started hitting him and the woman with it.
Then a crocodile turned up and stole all their sausages as the man shouted 'Thats the way to do it'!.........
A Different Football Team
A teacher starts a new job at a primary school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a big football fan and supports Liverpool. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan miss," she replies
The teacher, still shocked asks:"Well, if you're not a Liverpool Fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a West Ham fan, and proud of it," Mary replies.
The teacher can't believe her ears. "Mary, how come you're a Hammers fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from London's East End and are West Ham fans, so I'm a West Ham fan too!"
"Still," says the teacher, annoyed, "that's no reason for you to be a West Ham fan as well. You don't have to be like your parents all the time, do you? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief. Would you be like them then?"
"No," smiles Mary, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says,
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."