There are many who espouse the relationship between a Filipina and a westerner (or any other long distance relationship) and as a man married to a beautiful Filipina I should be one to shout loudly and proudly that the relationship that I started over three years ago is not only the best thing I ever did (although it is), but that I would recommend a similar course of action for any who read this or come to this site. However, for the purpose of this thread I am going to play devils advocate because a serious comment given the potential downsides of a long distance relationship is often overlooked or gets mentioned purely in passing so as not to cause offence to anyone (especially if that someone is your wife/girlfriend/partner). Anyone reading this who is not yet in a relationship with another person from the other side of the planet should take some time to consider the downsides to such a relationship and not just the upsides. Firstly, the UK and the Philippines are at almost polar sides to the planet. This means that flights cost a lot of money and take up the most part of a single day just to fly from one end to the other. Does this bother you? Can you afford £600+ for a return flight to the Philippines to see your partner and how often can you do this? For a lot of people this is often once if not twice a year at most. People have jobs that cannot just let them take time out to fly around the world at a moments notice. Also, what about your life here in the UK? Your home and any other responsibilities? Can you spend significant time away from the UK without a personal cost other than money? Do you earn over £18,600.00 per year? This is now the minimum amount of money that a person must earn in order to sponsor a partner from outside of Europe to come to the UK and settle here. This amount is also set to rise each year with inflation if the current Government gets its wishes, so in the future it could be as high as £19,000.00 or even up to £20,000.00 in a few short years! If you are in the early stages of a relationship these facts must be addressed in a sober manner before you fall in love with a person and find that you are separated by rules put in place by a Government who will not care how it affects you personally. Now, I am no fan of the new rules. I see them as providing one set of rights to one set of people whilst removing those rights from another set of people, there is a word for that kind of system and it is called Apartheid. For now though, we need to play within the system as these rules are getting challenged in court but that can take years of legal wrangling before a final decision is made by whichever court that might be. Also, the average timescale for a relationship to go from online chit chat to your partner moving in with you is about 2 years. Mine is currently 3 years and upwards as I am in the process of working out the details of the visa for my wife, some are quicker at about 18 months and some are longer still, but the average is 2 years. Can you stick to a long distance relationship that long? Thankfully with Skype (and how that has now been integrated into Facebook) long distance relationships are at least a little easier with video chat, but I have found it really makes you miss the other person more as you simply cannot hold them when there are 6000 miles between you and your other half. If you enter into a relationship with another person from the other side of the globe, unless you have a lot of money to spare then these facts need to be considered. Being apart from my wife is on my mind every day and as soon as I wake up in the morning and until the last moment before I fall to sleep at the end of the night. Make no mistake about it, long distance relationships are difficult, worse I think for the Philippines as every time I hear about a typhoon or flooding I immediately start to worry about my other half and I know I am not alone with this kind of thinking. Ask yourself, are you up for this? Also, there is a huge cultural difference between people from the UK and people in the Philippines. In the UK we have an individualistic approach to life, we strive to take care of ourselves and our children, perhaps some close relatives but that is not the norm. In the Philippines, that is very much the norm. Families will work to support one another, even if they are cousins! So a well off Aunt will often pay for a nephews education or housing to support a new job for instance, or cousins will live with their grandparents whilst their parents are working overseas and the whole income made from that overseas work is pooled within the family unit - the extended family unit. Also, when you visit a Philippine household you will see the younger generations stand and go to greet their elders with a sign of respect, and their elders will expect it (I have found myself ignorant of certain Aunts and Uncles of my wife who have visited her family household whilst I was there and expected me to do this when I was simply smiling and saying hello - one or two took offence). Religion can also be a major factor within a Filipino family, will this affect your relationship? A few years ago this was a little concern of mine, though not any more to be honest. I am a former Catholic Atheist, my wife is a devout Catholic. I am able to respect her beliefs as I once shared them and many people I care about from within my own family also share those same beliefs. To some, it might be an issue but in all honesty I think this is a personal thing for each couple and is perhaps something that is really universal and not just confined to British/Filipino relationships. My only advice here is to have the discussion and see how you both feel. What if you have children? How will they be raised? Again, this is personal to the couple involved and what has worked for me and my wife is not necessarily going to work for other couples. Sex! You need to discuss the issues surrounding sex with your partner when possible. Now, if you think that we in the west are tight lipped when it comes to discussing sex with our partners, many in the Philippines will be more conservative and not wanting to discuss deep items of topic such as sexual expectations or fantasies and what not. Discussions should be had though about some basic stuff such as birth control or sex before marriage. You don't want a situation where you discover that your partner does not want to have sex until after marriage when actually trying to initiate intimacy. And finally, money. This is perhaps as important as any other topic to consider and in fact discuss with your intended partner. Not just do you earn enough, but are you prepared to support your partner? As a general rule of thumb we always advise people not to send money to the Philippines until they have met that person in the flesh and are in a committed relationship. However, you might want your other half to meet you online every day and they cannot afford that without a little help, or they might need a computer and internet access to be freely available for you whenever you are free yourself. Also, consider the future and if you marry that person and live together, how will you feel knowing that they might be sending significant portions of their own earnings to their parents or even a cousin? This is the Filipino way, so please consider this as well. Lots to think about, huh!
I agree Kuya that must lots to think of someone who wants to love Filipina woman , Need to be consider as part of culture and beliefs of us as a Pinay woman. Me and Husband we been through already on that, all i wait now is to be with him soon....
Long distance relationship is very challenging. Even myself I had doubts before my first flight but I don't regret it at all. What more I proposed on my 3rd day of my first visit and reaction of my ex-girlfriend now fiancée and wife-to-be, priceless I'm going to the Philippines next month (all legal documents from my side are sorted, my fiancée applied yesterday for her cenomar) and we say 'I do' to each other. Being so far away from each other is just crazy.. i thought but now I now that I will never find another woman like my wife to be. I don't regret any moment since I met her even if we have to deal with skype. It's all worth it. Worry I have is my finances if ukba allows her to come over here on spouse visa..
Top posting Kuya. Thanks I was never in a really really LDR but I feel I understand the issues. It was usually 3 - 6 months at a time. But I have to say I found it very very very difficult. Lot's of reasons for this but mostly from my side in that it took me a long lomg time to really believe that someone so much younger than myself and someone so beautiful would actually be seriously interested to me. Confidence and trust I suppose, but gradually those two little devils were overcome. Seems ages ago now. We're still gowing stronger and stronger and so very happy together. I do understand that these days financials play a huge part in bringing your mahal to UK. But, to be honest I would have been fully prepared to go live in any country. Although I have to admit that is not always a practical route. LDR's are so diverse and normally so tricky to contain. Good viewpoints Kuya
I agree.. Even me I have never expected that girl that is so beautiful will ever be interested in me.. what more even accepting the proposal after knowing each other 3 months and being physically together 3 days only.. I don't regret any moments with my Mahal. Unfortunately this relationship (as any other would) comes with high price.. and I don't mean cash.
I don't think the Catholic thing is much of an issue at all and I felt the complete opposite with regards to Filipinos and sex. They're far more laid back than us and just don't see sex as that big a deal in comparison. When they know you well then for many it is little different to having a meal. Just satisfying a need in a similar way. A very healthy attitude IMO and one of the nicest aspects of Filipino culture. This also means that they'll speak in a very, very frank manner on this topic! The Philippines, in my view, remains a highly tribal and clannish society. The whole Catholic thing lures you in a bit when their culture is actually far lesss similar to ours than many other other Asian countries. I also thought the same on conservative attitudes and so forth before I arrived but I was completely confounded after living there for a couple of years. Maybe it is because I was hanging out with a younger crew but my feeling was that it was quite universal. My asawa's middle aged female boss was telling me I needed to be on 'double time' to make a baby! Then later she seriously inquired about why my asawa was not yet pregnant and whether she was using birth control. Then they asked me directly if I was 'finishing inside' (!) and had a jolly good laugh at my squirming! Catholicism was really a bolt on by the Spanish and some of the teaching has just been ignored outright, presumably because they so strongly clashed with the norms that existed before the Spanish. For example, in my my experience, younger Filipinos are highly promiscuous and have sex lives that would make British youngsters blush. Nothing much is thought of living together before marriage or having children before marriage. I lived with my asawa for 9 months. Absolutely no issue from any of her family on this. They were happy for us. I went to visit her tita and tito. They put us in a converted room in a seperate section of the house, for privacy. Her Tito asked me the next morning if I'd had a good night with a knowing smile. I would say, unless you come across a very unusually devout Catholic or a Born Again Christian, then it unlikely sex before marriage will be an issue! That is, unless you don't want to because the chances are, your Filipino partner will!
Paul, I think perhaps in Manila and Cebu it is different to how it is mostly in the provinces. Don't get me wrong, when I married my wife there were people asking us if she was pregnant and making comments like we need time to ourselves for baby making. And I know plenty of people who have done the dead before getting married and so on.. My wife is from the an area where it is frowned upon for a woman to not be a virgin before getting married, though not unheard of. I was also a little surprised when she warned me of prostitutes in her home town but I am guessing that is mostly down to poverty than attitudes towards sex. Funny thing though, is that the people I know with attitudes similar to what you describe come from Cebu, but my in-laws in Valencia kind of shy away from those kinds of people and when I suggested to one of my brother in laws to pursue a lady based on the simple fact that she was pretty was shot down with something about her attitude.. It depends on where they come from and what kind of family they have.
Yes , for me it was quite scary, daunting, a worry stepping on the plane for the first of 3 flights to take me round to the opposite side of the world to meet a complete stranger, apart from a few weeks chatting online. I had my own business so taking time off wasn't an issue, yes, I'd lose money by not working, but this strange feeling adventure was pulling me away from home, to somewhere that I'd only ever read about or seen on TV. For me the sensations of 'romance' started on my long haul flight from heathrow to Hong kong,... seeing all the other Filipino's going home, seeing other Asians, having never really mixed with many people from differant cultures in my life before, (farm lad ). It was overwhelming when I first stepped out of the big doors at the 'arrivals' at Mactan airport. Everyone looked kind of the same to me from a great height, (6ft + ) until this lovely little woman tugged on my arm and introduced herself,..I was here,...the place I'd promised Margie I was going to come to for our first meeting. Margie was from the province,..I sent her over a few pounds to help her to get to the city and meet me at the airport so she could show me the way to her home village. I wanted this long distance love to last, and I respected her families traditions,...I returned two times before we ever got our special time together in a hotel in the city. I was so glad I did,... this has been the best relationship I have ever had in my life, and I've had a few,... but the trust, honesty, and feel-good factors are some of the best I could ever dream off. Margie sailed through her Fiancee visa interveiw and flew back to UK with me the next day (from Manila ) I think one of the reasons she was granted her visa was because we spent so much time, during the day and in the evenings,...sitting talking,...talking about each other and learning about the things in each others lives. She knew everything about me, my family and friends when she walked in there. We have been married now for 7 years (end of october ) and have two beautifull kids,.. a 5 year old Mestisa and a 2 year old Mestiso. Was it all worth it,.???? hell, I'm the happiest man in our street, I go out to work each morning with a spring in my step having just had a hug from each of my family,..and when I get home at night they are all waiting for me in the kitchen to greet me back home. Thinking of going over to start where I did 8 years ago,???....don't just think about it,...get on the plane and go !!! Only my opinion,... but I think that a girl from the province will make the best wife / homemaker ! Jonny
My asawa is also from the province but was in Manila when I met her. I remember being told jokingly many times by some Manilans that they were all constantly at it in the province because there was bugger all else to do. This also explains all the kids! But my asawa said that the issue in the province, for young people, was one of privacy. Which actually makes some sense. And I note all her cousins are very similar on having moved away from the province. So I'm not sure it is a case of different attitudes from the province to the city but more like different opportunities/more freedom when in the city. I would say what you describe is the exception rather than the rule, in my experience. It is very ingrained, the idea of a long courtship where the couple are certainly expected to be sexually active and this is accepted by the parents. Of course, to an extent, some of this can go out the window with a foreigner involved.
I have been in a LDR with my wife for almost 8 years now, we first met when we were both working in Singapore, as I live and work in Australia the flight is only 7 or 8 hours which is not too bad, I left UK on my own when I was twenty (33 years ago) and I think the fact that I have spent most of my life away from family is what helps me cope with our prolonged periods apart, I was fortunate enough to be able to spend 6 to 8 weeks spread over 3 trips per year for the first few years although it is expensive and you need a reasonable job to be able to do this. Unlike most posters I will be retiring to the Philippines and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, a maximum of 2 years to go until I pull the plug and we start living our dream. A LDR can definitely work, and many of the members here are proof of that, but unless you have total belief in yourself and your partner and what you are attempting to achieve it can be a very lonely and somewhat scary experience and not one that I would recommend to most people over a prolonged period of time, as mine has been.
I should add to this another couple of points that will certainly be of interest to those in a long distance relationship. And one of them is something, that if you haven't lived together for long periods, might come as a shock. Filipinos are very interdependent. All that time you spend together when you visit? That isn't always just a case of wanting to make the most of your time together, it is the norm for many Filipinos. It is prized and valued to be interdependent. So young girls tend not to be single for very long (by choice anyway!) and attractive girls will certainly have many suitors during the brief periods when they are single. It is also part of the reason Filipinos marry and have children so much younger than compared with the west. This point about interdependence is so often said it is almost cliche but I wonder how many realise what it will mean in practice? Your asawa, depending on her personality, may want to do every activity they possibly can with you. And I mean *everything* possible. So usually only work excepted. And they may well be tampo if you won't allow it! This can become a bit suffocating, again, depending on your personality. As an example, I remember waking up very early one morning when I was living with my asawa and I decided to go for a walk around the local area. (I note my asawa and Filipinos find it weird that I would want to do this and even more so that would do this on my own!) When I returned I simply pointed out that I would have of course allowed her to come with me but I didn't want to wake her. But she made it clear that would have much preferred I'd woken her up. I wouldn't have imagined that sleep was less important than my rather meaningless walk but there you go! This level of interdependence, along with a strong desire to for happy relationships and a lack of conflict within them, is also another reason why Filipinos are so relaxed on the sex front. Sex is important for bonding and like with anything else, Filipinos don't want it to be an area of conflict. I remember once explaining a Filipino about how within western culture, if your girlfriend isn't in the mood it is customary to make up an excuse about a headache or so forth. This was utterly baffling to him. He'd never come across it!
Some of the things that spring to my mind about a LDR is firstly the time difference +7 hrs is not always easy to adjust to like ive had to sort of re-arrange my sleeping pattern and i think ive only been able to do that because im currently unemployed but i dont know how im going to mannage when i do get another job because by time you get home its already her bed time, i dont know how some of you cope with that and i know its going to be harder because we talk like all day thaks to WhatsApp and when i do get another job that msg time will probally go right out the window, second thing about a LDR is the webcam, now Skype is awesome but at the same time its like stabing yourself and twisting the knife, what i mean is internet connection isnt exactly fibre optic broadband over there and it gets super frustrating when she loses connection or it constantly lags and all you want is to see your loved one when talking, plus when at the start of a LDR are you prepared to not ask her to get naughty on cam, if your gf is hot (like mine) your going to have a struggle with that so can you manage waiting while being faithful to her, this (a LDR) is indead a new challenge for me but one i know will be truly worth it in the end.
Some great insights here and I think required reading for those starting out. Luckily the Wife and I are coming up to almost ten years of knowing one another. But can still vividly remember the tough days both being apart, jump though hoops sorting paperwork, fighting red tape, paying out a lot of money on the various stages and the what can be quite traumatic events carrying on once together in the uk. Setting up a new life in the UK is not easy and there is always the chance as i have seen with other brit/phill couples things will not work out at any point of the relationship.. Make sure you both have your eyes wide open
