Won't get fooled again...or will I ?

Hi, Need some feedback regarding my marriage.
Met my now wife in 2016, found out she was still married so took a long time to sort out.
We have been living together as man & wife for 3 years.She has a job as a carer I worked as a technician and we have seperate bank accounts.I pay all the bills and she uses her pay to help her family in Philly and if I ask she gets food in.
The problem is she has no interest in sex and says it's the menopause.I understand but there is no physical contact at all and she gives me looks like she doesn't like me.When I take her out she doesn't really seem to enjoy it and just likes to stay home on her phone,at family gatherings she hardly speaks.She's 52 and I get the feeling once she gets citizenship she will leave.It's getting me down and not sure what to do, I have tried to talk to her but she says there's nothing wrong.

If her end game is citizenship, what would be her overall benefit? Sure, she would live in the UK and can visit Disneyworld with fewer problems. But without your income, I assume she would be in near poverty having to rely on her salary to support the family and pay things you had covered previously. At 52, I would guess it's unlikely she will suddenly have a resurgence of being malibog. In the Philippines, there would be a degree of tolerance for you to have a kabit as long as you don't advertise it to all and sundry.

Hmmm... Filipina's don't really like confrontation... problem is: there's nothing wrong for her but there is for you.

Probably not what you want to hear but my wife knows a number of "carers" who have struck up relationships with guys in the UK for the purpose of finding somewhere cheap to live and helping with their VISA. Filipinos are very practical people when it comes to stuff like that

You could try writing to her if she won't talk. Explain how it's affecting you, and how important it is to you and try to find out whether she is prepared to get some help with the problem ?

Depending on her response... or lack of it... guess you need to decide whether or not it's deal breaker for you?

Lots of things could be influencing the situation, is it her? is it you? maybe you have changed from the person she first met in her view, maybe there is pressure from home to up the financial package going back to the Philippines! Maybe work related for her.
Think back to when she first came over, what has changed since then, maybe when she first came over it was all a great adventure now its all hum drum, look for ways to spice up your leisure time together travel to new places, suggest you do new things together. Find a way of getting her to open up to you, have you a mutual friend who could mediate?

i find an occasional good old fashion row clears the air.

And with children sitting in judgement... things become... more interesting

Thanks for taking the time to respond to me.All good points, she is close to my sister so maybe she might open up to her and find out what's happening,don't want to upset her but no physical contact is tough to put up with.

is your wife homesick ? When did she last see her family ?

Has she got any filipino family or friends here in the UK ?

She went back lsst September, she has five filipino friends in the UK one of which she works with.

Sounds to me like you need a new woman. What a lucky lady she has been, eh (and her family).

You're a long time dead my friend. Maybe it's time to move on...seriously.

I've been with my second Filipina Mrs for 12 years now (first one, 15 years). I'm 72 and she's 38. She was single, no kids when we met. We get on fine, and I'm the one who has to keep up with HER sex drive. Not that I'm complaining.
Family don't ask for anything.
.

Thanks for your reply.I'm still thinking about it but you make a good point.

Hi. I don't visit the forum much anymore but I saw this post and hope you won't mind if I reply. For background, I've been married for nearly ten years now and wife was from the Philippines. I am 51 and she is 45. We married after dating for 4 years. I was married once before to a British woman.

Given that you are asking for advice on your marriage from a bunch of people on the Internet, it seems that communication with your wife is not where it should be. You should be able to discuss things with her. I suspect that you are worried that the lack of sex effort alongside the other behaviors indicates that she doesn't feel close to you. That's the underlying thing that you need to establish - how is your basic relationship? Does she love you?

Only you two can answer that one. You should know whether she loves you or not. The way she acts, the way you laugh together, the time you spend together and the things you talk about. How much do you have in common.. The little things that you both do for each other every day.. Whether she tells you how happy she is...

I would suggest you guys improve your communication and sit down and talk together, laugh together, spend time together and reconnect as people. Everything else follows from that. I would suggest you don't make the discussion a 'blame' one where you are trying to 'fix' something that is wrong - but rather just some open communication to see how happy you both are.

I did have one more thing to add. You replied to the other poster above that he had a good point and you were thinking about it.

His suggestion was essentially that you changed your wife as casually as you would change your car - and that since you're a long time dead you have the right - almost the obligation really - to do that.
This is an attitude that I frankly have a problem with. She is a human being, just as complex and valuable as you are, and does not exist for the entertainment and gratification of men, to be thrown away and discarded if she doesn't measure up.

You should ask yourself - do you love her - do you connect with each other - why did you marry in the first place? If there is a real foundation there why would you even consider his point? Doesn't that indicate that you don't feel committed to this?

One more thought for you. Put yourself in her shoes - living in a foreign land apart from family, friends and living in rainy England where many neighbours go months without speaking and many grey people shuffle around moaning all the time. Does she have a life that makes her happy? Would it make you happy? What hobbies does she enjoy? Does she have the opportunity to be something more than a carer - which - let's face it - is a not a nice job. How much time does she spend working? What do you both do together when you are both not working? Why would she rather sit and use her phone - is it because she doesn't have many other attractive and entertaining options?

'His suggestion was essentially that you changed your wife as casually as you would change your car - and that since you're a long time dead you have the right - almost the obligation really - to do that'.

Utter nonsense.

Do you ever go to Philippines with her and spend time with her family? There's more to a marriage than sex.

Your statement indeed is nonsense even though I know you meant to say that mine was.

Let's examine your words below:

"Sounds to me like you need a new woman. What a lucky lady she has been, eh (and her family).

You're a long time dead my friend. Maybe it's time to move on...seriously"

You made a serious suggestion to end a marriage and obtain a replacement wife, based on a half page summary. You also stated how lucky she was, implying that she is less valuable than the poster. These are all items that I have an issue with - and your statement does unfortunately sound like a suggestion to casually change wives in a similar way to cars to me. The addition of 'long time dead' infers that life is too short to waste on what you saw as a lost cause and justify it. I would call that casual. What would you call it? Caring? Considerate? Loyal? Loving?

hmmm... all getting very complicated

i feel empathy with David Jordan--for the following reasons.

AND WE ARE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT.

Time--money--investment.
Time--in my case--years--- of waiting to beat the system invented to prevent " importing" a foreign partner

Money--thrown at the immigration system to get what we want--AND what our future spouse wanted.

Investment--in my case selling my house to raise the savings required to meet the target

Its my opinion that many foreign spouses looked for a British husband to get that visa to live here. Which is fair enough.

So areny we husbans entitled to something in return ?

I think that's right and we're all different: what's ok for one isn't necessarily ok for another... I have two kids with my wife so that makes leaving her almost impossible for me.

Consequently there's no single right answer to this - all we can do is share our own view point and let David Jordan take what he likes and leave the rest.