Being tested? Or even being used?

Hi all,

Some of you will already know a little of my background/situation from my other posts.

Basically, I met a Filipino girl online in November (who I'm blindly in love with); we got on well, I went to see her in January and overall things have gone great, with the odd bump. We talk every day, and I'm flying out there again in April. She's already promised to marry me when the time comes, and she's booked for her IELTS, in preparation for a visa application later in the year.

Okay, so now down to my issue, which is probably better if I just post a transcribe of our Messenger chat, as a blow-by-blow descriptive account probably isn't going to add any value. Sorry it's quite long, but I think the context is helpful. And I have added ** to what I believe are the real WTF moments!

So, we start off positive, with some joking around and laughing. then...

ME: The NHS surcharge is doubling after April 2018 from £600 to £1200 so fiance visa will now cost £1500+£1200
HER: then?
ME: so it's going to cost a lot more money than expected
HER: Dont worry there is easy way to solve that
ME: rob a bank?
HER: No i will not go there
ME: my dream is to bring you here baby this won't stop us just means have to keep money for the extra cost
HER: Baby if you can't afford for the visa i understand
ME: just going to be more expensive, why are you worried about me baby?
HER: Because now that is expensive
ME: I can still do it don't worry please don't worry at all
HER: And I dont want you to feel stress about that
ME: you know, I love you so much for caring about me
HER: Or at this time if you need more time or money for that visa I could be wait
HER: Or for the mean time am going back for abroad another 2yrs
ME: baby, don't worry trust me I will be sure to let you know if I can no longer afford it
HER: If you need extra money you can cancel your vacation here this april
ME: no it's fine
HER: You need that money all we have many times for taht
ME: most of that is already paid for anyway but it might mean I can not come in August
ME: but we have plenty of time to wait and see what happens before then
HER: Hmmm maybe we need more time for That
HER: And maybe I will going to work for abroad 2yrs again
ME: no baby I could not deal with that it would kill me
HER: I will go in japan
ME: JANE, don't worry about honestly, I did not tell you the news to worry you I just wanted to let you know
ME: it does not change any plans okay?
HER: Am not worry about that .but am worry about you baby
HER: Baby it's better cancel your vacation this april
ME: no way
HER: And am going to apply for work in japan
ME: no it's fine baby
HER: Only 2yrs
HER: And after 2yrs Maybe it's fine for us that cost
ME: JANE, please it's okay there is no problem
**HER: Cancel your vacation this april
ME: don't be silly! baby everything's okay
**HER: Baby am serious
ME: I am coming to propose to you this April, It's my dream
ME: I am serious too, my baby
ME: I want to start my life with you this year
ME: I can not wait for that I love you so much
HER: Baby I love you so much too But we need to do this
ME: no, we don't please believe me I am begging you to trust me
HER: We have lots of year to do that
HER: And we need more longer time for our relationship
ME: JANE, are you having second thoughts about me then?
ME: please tell me the truth, if you are not sure about me
ME: because I would understand that, because, yes, we have only known each other since November/December
ME: I wouldn't want to force you or push you into getting married
ME: but before, you had already told me that you were sure, that your answer would be a big YES, if I proposed to you
ME: and I can not wait 2 years, I would die
ME: please think about this, please don't break my heart
ME: I am so excited baby, and looking forward to our life together
ME: and I am ready in my life NOW
HER: Okay baby If you wanted to all of that it's okay
HER: But if you cannot handled the things we need just tell me I understand
ME: don't worry JANE, I will 100% tell you if I can't handle it okay?

HER: Baby if I work in 2yrs are you still interested in me?
ME: it's a hard question baby because i don't know if my heart could take it
ME: but please don';t ask me to wait that long baby
HER: Am asking you if i work 2yrs are you still interested in me?
HER: Tell me
ME: yes baby without a doubt I love you forever
ME: of course I would be interested in you after 2 years but I would feel like I am dying inside everyday if I had to wait that long
ME: JANE, I can not describe how much pain I would be in, if I had to wait 2 years for you
HER: Okay baby dont worry if you want that no problem
ME: I need to know that it's what you want too though baby
ME: I need you, I need someone with me in my life, I need love, but you have to want a life with me too
HER: Thank you so much
HER: Thank you for everything what you have done to me
ME: it's never going to change for me JANE
**HER: What If I decided to quit you
ME: then my heart would be broken forever but of course, if you wanted to quit, that's your choice baby
**HER: And think what we have is just a dream
**HER: So it's okay with you?
ME: I can assure you, JANE, it's not just a dream what I offer you is real
ME: if you can not believe it, then what can I do about that?
HER: What if my reason is I realize that I didn't love you
ME: then I would be very very sad, because you have told me how much you have loved me, so many times
ME: more times than I can remember
ME: I think if you realized you didn't love me then it's because I have upset you or for some reason you are suddenly thinking bad of me
HER: Baby I love you very much and I dont want to lose you
HER: I want you to be happy
ME: baby, you just made me very worried, asking those questions!
ME: baby, are you 100% certain that you want to come to the UK and marry me?
ME: you already know that it's what I want but your feelings are more important
ME: I need to know that it's what you want too
HER: Baby as long as your happy dont worry about me
ME: hmm baby, I worry about you all the time
ME: your happiness is important to me
ME: are you saying that if I'm happy then you're happy?
ME: or are you saying that you will do whatever makes me happy?
HER: As long as your happy no problem about me
ME: because we both need to be happy baby
HER: Yes exactly I want you to be happy
ME: so, you are happy if I'm happy?
HER: Yes
ME: okay baby thank you but please know, if ever you feel unhappy about something you should tell me because your happiness is important to me
HER: Even if feel unhappy I dont ever tell you I dont want you to be sad and I dont want you to break your heart
ME: baby, I care about you, I want to listen to you if you have sad things in your life, I am here for you always, we are sharing our lives together
HER: No it's okay baby dont worry about me the important is you are happy
ME: are you saying that there's something true you could tell me now, which could break my heart?
ME: baby, if you live your life only caring about my happiness, then you will never be truly happy yourself
HER: No baby dont think anything
HER: Baby dont everything is fine Font worry
ME: okay sweetheart
HER: Baby dont think anything as long as your happy that's the most important of your life
ME: okay but remember that you are the most important thing in my life
HER: I know That's why I want you to be happy
ME: okay baby
ME: JANE, what we are doing is life changing for both of us
ME: I know it's what I want and I am excited for the future
HER: Okay JOHN I understand
ME: because I love you
ME: but if you're ever unsure, you should tell me straight
**HER: JOHN I dont want to hurt you
ME: I know I have given you a lot of love and affection, that you maybe weren't ready for and I have said I want to marry you and bring you to the UK
ME: that's a lot JANE, I understand this
HER: JOHN all you want I can do that for you
ME: but if you truly love me and trust me and want to be with me, then we can have a great life
HER: JOHN as what I told you as long as your happy everything is fine
ME: okay JANE, but you know I respect you okay?
ME: if any of this is not for you then don't give up your life for me
ME: you deserve a perfect life JANE
ME: but if you don't feel I am right for you, or the UK is not right, or whatever
ME: then you need to make that decision for yourself
**HER: If I choose my desicion In sure your going to be hurt
ME: okay JANE then I know you have decided that you really don't love me any more?
**HER: I will never to tell you that even if I dont like you anymore cause I dont want to hurt you
ME: I don't want to live a lie JANE, you either love me truly, or you don't
ME: you have made me so happy but I want you to feel the same happiness as me
ME: if you don't love me truly, then you must make the decision and tell me
HER: JOHN you make drama
HER: Dont worry Everything's gonna be fine
ME: tell me you love me
ME: and tell me I am not making you do anything you don;t want to do
**HER: Okay as what I told you JOHN even when the time is come I will never love you anymore you didn't even know that, because I can act my self that I'm still love you
ME: I don't want a fake relationship JANE, I don't want that in my life
ME: why would you want to pretend to love someone baby? you deserve better than that
**HER: Because I dont want to hurt you
ME: but that sounds like you would give up your happiness for me baby
ME: that's not fair on you
HER: Baby dont make any drama I love you
ME: okay but, you respect yourself okay? If you're ever unhappy - we must talk
ME:so, I am still coming in April
ME:and I am looking forward to meeting your family
ME:and I still want to propose to you
ME:then we work on applying for visa, and bringing you to the UK to live with me
ME:then we get married
ME:I am going to bed now baby
ME:so you can think about all that
ME:I love you so much
HER: Okay baby goodnight

Now, this morning, she has been fine. And after an hour of exchanging some trivial chit-chat, she said,
"Baby sorry for what I did
Am just asking you what is your reaction"

I have forgiven her and reassured her of my intentions, my love and that she has nothing to fear etc.

But I'm still going over it in my mind, what drove her to insinuate certain things? Should I suspect she doesn't truly love me, and it's an amazingly convincing act? Is she trying to save me the pain by hinting the truth, so that I can make the call and end it - which means she can then point the finger at me as being the ultimate reason it ended?

Am I just dealing with a girl with severe mood swings? Someone with serious doubts? Or someone who likes to play with my heart?

Any insights, comments or other perspectives which might help me understand?

Thank you!

If you've only met the girl once, I can fully understand why she would be hesitant to make that (as you call it) 'life changing' decision to move to England.

It actually sounds quite mature for her to want to wait 2 years. What is the rush? Would you declare undying love and feel compelled to get married with a British girl you had only met the once?

It's impossible to know what the the motives are behind her indecision. At least she is not (or does not seem to be) taking your money whilst dragging her feet. Your talk about the process being expensive could ring all sorts of alarm bells on her head. If you're financially responsible for the whole thing, it's best not to talk about the end figure.

Personally, I would slow things down as I suspect those issues will raise their ugly head again. Visit her in April but leave marriage issue alone. Just get to know each other a bit better.

From your previous posts and the one above I would slow it all down, visit in April, you do your thing let her do her thing see where it goes. Tread carefully take your time and most of all make decisions with clarity of mind. Good Luck

i met my ( now ) wife here in the UK in 2011. she was in her final months of a student visa--which expired in aug 2012. didnt see her for another year. she came over in aug 2013 for a visit--till jan 2013. didnt see her again till 2 years ago---today.

so a 2 year wait isnt the end of the world.

I've rushed into my relationship which is my choice ( actually love does not give you much of a choice sometimes ) but even with plans in place we will have spent a few weeks together and four meetings beforehand. The timing is between the both of you, not just you so taking a breath and finding out what she really thinks is time well spent. Be open not pushy because the truth is goal and you may find you have an even stronger relationship and more confidence in each other's feelings, which seems to be the issue here.

She comes across as a very sensible and mature young lady.

What's the rush ?

Even if she does decide to work abroad for a while (as my Mrs did, after we'd met and before we were married), what's to stop you visiting her in the country where she's working ?

There is much much more to it than falling in love and buying a visa. There are also TWO lives involved.

I agree with others. You need to slow down. You only met her in January. We had 2 years and 7 visits to Philippines before getting married.

Also, does she know that you are posting private, intimate conversations online? But, seeing as you have, you seem a bit pushy and you might start freaking her out a bit if you don't calm down.

Just enjoy things for a bit.

Oh, and remember she's not English. When she says she will not love you anymore, I actually think she is saying she could not love you any more than she does already.

And, at the beginning, I think she is worried that you are complaining about how much money she is costing you.

Calm down, man. You'll scare her away. And leave your private stuff to yourselves.

Misinterpretting someone's written english when it is not their first language is a great point. I think we have all been there at some time.

Ivehad longer text conversations when I asked for the Missus if she could meet at the supermarket in an hour, made me late!

Welcome to Filipina world...

I think when you start talking about the cost of the VISA and things like that the average Filipina will start to question whether you've got sufficient funds...

Next thing will be how much is the wedding going to cost... homeymoon...

It could be reverse cycology

Hi,
First of all, IMO, long distance relationships (LDR) are very difficult for both people.
Also, Filipinas are very emotional and need constant reassurance, perhaps more than Western women.
Women are logical with emotions thrown in with equal measure, whereas Men are more logical than emotional.
Don't be put off by her comments as misunderstandings can arise when on the road to true happiness, especially when thousands of miles separate you both.
She needs reassurance all the time that things will be OK and remember that she is an Asian woman and there are cultural differences also.

I don't think that years of waiting for each other will make things better. Love is love and it can take a short time OR a long time to know things are right for both of you.

Stay strong and do whatever you have to do to get the job done. Once you are married, the hard work begins as the ups and downs in life need to be tackled but you will be together to face whatever comes your way.

In the meantime, never forget that she is a Filipina and everything is worth fighting for as she will stick with you through thick and thin.

BTW, I married my Filipina wife in the Philippines and think that is the best way to go, especially for the wife.

It’s hard to give relationship advice , especially to someone you have never even met @thingymejig2. , but I agree with a lot of what has already been posted .

As hard as it may be for you , you really need to slow down a bit , even if you have fallen madly in love .

It’s too soon to be thinking about marrying a girl you have only met once .

Communicating by text with a Filipina can often lead to misunderstanding each other’s actual meaning.

Don’t make any major decisions re your relationship until you have met again and spent more time together. Go back in April , and afterwards things may be clearer for both of you .
Good luck , and always take good care of your heart.

she seems fine.

you, on the other hand, sound like a right psycho. She probably knows it and may have other foreigner irons in the fire.

good luck.

We know that you view longterm relationships between caucasian males and Filipinas through jaundiced eyes but that is just plain rude and quite uncalled for.

Pretty much a unhelpful and pointless reply mate wouldn’t you say ?

I don't think it was the most tactful of replies, but that chat log did make the OP seem rather possessive, insecure and needy.

All the more reason to slow things down so that whatever sort of relationship exists is not rushed into without sensible judgement.

Whatever our thoughts or opinions are , I think we should accept people as they are rather than how we think they should be . The guy obviously needs advice , that's why most of us are here .

Hi all,

Firstly, a sincere thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read my post and respond. The support and kindness is overwhelming.

I accept the consensus, which is that I need to slow down.

And I also agree now, that it was a totally bad call of mine to bring up the visa costs. I guess I just thought two people in a relationship should be able to discuss anything... but admittedly, given the context and the duration of the relationship, I should have kept it to myself.

She's been fine with me since (although she's unusually quiet today...) and I've laid off any talk of future plans; instead we've just had nice conversations (although she still referenced me as "husband-to-be" in chat". I will continue to keep it like this as best I can.

Some of you are surprised and cautioning me on the apparent rush i'm in.

I'll try to clarify my situation and state-of-mind (not that they're excuses)...

Since hitting 40, I've decided I want a family. All of a sudden, I feel like I've wasted the last 10 years, when I could have been looking for someone to settle down with (I did have a 6 year relationship in this time, but in hindsight it was always doomed). I'm not judging others at all, but personally, I want to avoid being any older than I absolutely have to before I start a family.

So I signed up to the Filipino dating site with that goal. And when I met someone I really liked, who also liked me, who agreed in the first video call that she wanted all this, and was also ready now, we moved forward on this understanding. SHe's 30 by the way. She told me in Manila, that she liked me because I was a "straight guy" who told her outright what I wanted from life - no games or misunderstandings.

She's already agreed to come and live with me, she's been researching visa requirements from her side, making suggestions on what we need to do; she even asked, upon coming to the UK, if we can wait two years before having a child as she said, "I want you all to myself first" - she said this to my face.

As also previously stated, she quit her overseas job for me, saying "I am just waiting now for you in Philippines". I never asked her to do this - she offered.

So, I have read all these actions as both of us wanting to move forward as quickly as we can.

I'm not a psycho, but I accept that I've steered the relationship - but only where she's been happy for it to go (until now?).

@graham59
While she worked in Bahrain, she refused for me to go out to see her. She claimed it was because of the working hours/situation. Despite offering to just fly out to meet her for a few hours - she declined.
I don't know for a fact, but I get the feeling if she worked away again, it would be the same situation.

@Mattecube
Would you mind elaborating on what you mean by it possibly being reverse psychology?

@aposhark
"I don't think that years of waiting for each other will make things better. Love is love and it can take a short time OR a long time to know things are right for both of you. "

To be brutally honest, this is exactly how I feel. I love her, and I just want to be with her. It feels so right that I just want to start our life together as soon as possible. It's only been this worrying exchange where she's ever hinted that we're now rushing, or that she's not ready.