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currently separated from my british husband

Discussion in 'Relationship Advice' started by eljean79, Jul 13, 2011.

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  1. eljean79
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    eljean79 New Member

    I am currently separated from my british husband (it's been 2 months now since)i just wanna hear if anyone out
    there has experienced the same thing as i struggle emotionally and financially as we have a child together.

    I am scared although,i have already seek help from the benefits but still i am worried as i never thought it would ever happen to me (had a terrible fight then he just decided he had enough of it) just wanna hear some feedback from anyone here on what to do if you happen to separate/divorce.
    eljean79, Jul 13, 2011
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  2. oss
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    oss Somewhere Staff Member

    This is a very hard question and you have my deepest sympathy, I have personal experience of a non functional relationship long time ago and although we were never married we did have a child that had to be cared for, so maybe I can offer some thoughts.

    I am at work just now but will write more later when I get home as this is a subject that needs careful thought before writing.
    oss, Jul 14, 2011
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  3. eljean79
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    eljean79 New Member

    thank you for the reply looking forward for any info that might help me to cope in this situation...
    eljean79, Jul 14, 2011
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  4. oss
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    oss Somewhere Staff Member

    The first thing is to look after the kids, that goes without saying.

    I'm a man, my partner and I, some 26 years ago had a daughter together and at the time my partner decided she did not want to continue a relationship with me, I wanted a relationship but she wanted out of it.

    It leaves you feeling very lonely but somehow we managed to forge a friendship over the years in part helped by me still being allowed to visit my daughter.

    From a practical viewpoint there are huge problems trying to bring up a child on your own although the government will help a little.

    Hopefully your husband is being responsible and has offered to contribute to help with your child's expenses but if not there is always the CSA (Child Support Agency).

    The CSA has two major problems though, one is that if your husband volunteers to help they won't care they will simply make an assessment against him and try to enforce it, often not very successfully. This leaves the man feeling very abused as he wants to help but is being told NO you HAVE to help and second what is worse if you are on benefits then his contributions will not end up helping you at all as they will take pretty much pound for pound what he gives you back off your benefits. The other major problem is that they have never been very effective at collecting and passing on the support money if the ex partner is determined to avoid it.

    I know that I personally hated the CSA but we managed to keep them out of our lives for 20 years thank god and my child got the benefit of my help, the problem is you can only really do that once you are able to go out to work and if the child is really young and you don't have a lot of help then that is really hard.

    If your husband is reluctant to provide for his child then do all you can to get the CSA to set up a support order, as one day you will be able to work and then at least you will get some extra help from him.

    Don't use access to the child as a bargaining chip, I guarantee that if he wants access then refusing access will make things much much worse between you and will hurt your child long term too. If he is a monster though then this advice obviously does not apply.

    On the personal side of things I guess you are feeling very lost and lonely, do you think the relationship is really and truly over with no chance of a reconciliation?

    If it is really over then somehow you have to face the future which is easier said than done. Have you managed to make many friends here or established contacts with the Filipino community over here?
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2011
    oss, Jul 14, 2011
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  5. eljean79
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    eljean79 New Member

    First,thank you for your wonderful advice really glad for the feedback.

    He decided to leave when he has just had enough of our constant fight/arguing(to many issues going on and pressure in our relationship)at that time seems like can't stop him from doing as i never thought he would ever do it anyway,he was so inconsiderate on that time like so angry of me,dont wanna listen to whatever i say,i was working at that time then just need to quit coz i have to for my kid and he quit his job as well and move back to his parents,i did try to talk to him and stop him but he has made his mind up already,anyway that time I didnt care anymore if he leaves all that matters to me is my child
    how i am gonna do this on my own?should i give our son to him ?as i have no idea what to do coz obviously can't pay the rent and bills or should i go to a fren who has offer a help to accomodate us. I never heard about getting any benefits as a single mum as i have never even claim child benefit myself(it was in my husband's name).I decided to go ask for a help and stayed in the house that we rented together as i have enough savings from work i had before and manage to pay the rent and bills until i can sort it out.It only came to a fren of my mine who just told me that i can get a help from the council about my situation. Work is no problem but the childcare is,since the day he left i went straight to the jobcenter to inquire about it and thank goodness there's been loads of help for me.But i am still worried as i dont know if i get it at the moment.
    The CSA has already contacted me but before that my stbxh has already suggested to do a private agreement as he wanted to give what's best for our child(yeah right)coz he said that i might not getting any from him as i am claiming benefits,well anyway since he left, he still check up on us and our kid and he has been with him for a week during school break and had been giving support weekly as he said,we only talk about how is everything going on with but thats all never talk about our relationship as i have already accepted whatever he wants.(even though it still hurts).
    There is plenty of filipino friends here were i live so it did help alot as i don't really felt alone,i only feel lonely when were home but i think i just have to learn how to live with it.
    About reconciliation i am open to it but it has to come from him as he was the one who left,i think i can move on and everyday i am learning to accept it cos i know it does really happens, what really matters to me now is my son, what hurts the most is the thought of being separated from my child can't bear the thought of it.
    I just hope that i get the help until i be able to manage my time between work and childcare.
    It's only been 2 months since we separated but i feel like i am actually doing ok on my own.
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2011
    eljean79, Jul 14, 2011
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  6. oss
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    oss Somewhere Staff Member

    You need to investigate Housing Benefit to help you pay the rent, I don't really know the benefit system these days but if you are on a low income and you have a child you will definitely get help from regarding your rent.

    He should not be getting the Child Benefit any more as I believe you now have ILR so you need to sort that out.

    Your husbands point about you not benefiting from anything he gives you is true if you are on benefits, that was my point in my previous post, unfortunately when you are on benefits you don't have a choice of arranging a voluntary agreement, as the CSA will take the money from him one way or another and the government will reduce your benefits accordingly.

    The private agreement only works when you are working and can tell the CSA to go away but of course your ex has to be paying at least as much as the CSA would order him to pay to make it worthwhile for you to have a private agreement.

    Is your boy old enough to be at primary school now? If he is that gives you some chance to find work that you can fit around school hours, not easy I know and childcare is very hard to come by if you want to work.

    One thing, you should definitely not give your son to your husband full time, I sense that you could not bear that situation.
    oss, Jul 15, 2011
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  7. Kuya
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    Kuya The Geeky One Staff Member

    Elean,,

    firstly, I am so sorry for your circumstances right now. The only advice I would really offer is that you seek out the advice of a charity or support group who can give you actual details of your rights and available benefits. And as for your husband, it is good he is making some offer of support, but don't think for a second that you are not entitled to it.

    He married you, fathered a child with you.. He has a legal obligation to support you and a court would go in your favor should it all end there.

    Though right now I am sure this is all secondary to the pain you must be going through right now as well, but you must make the effort now to get yourself back on your feet, stable home, income (even if it is benefits) and then you can plan for the future once more.
    Kuya, Jul 15, 2011
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  8. eljean79
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    eljean79 New Member

    Thank you Kuya....

    I am scared worried and terrified about the future as my marriage is going through the toughest time,all i have right now are my prayers that god will guide me and give me strength with all this thing that is goin on right now...:(i really do pray to overcome all this....
    eljean79, Jul 15, 2011
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  9. Aromulus
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    Aromulus The Don Staff Member

    No need to be scared, although I understand your feeling of helplessness.
    You need to relax for a few hours, and take stock of all the options available to you.

    The first move would be to visit the Citizen Advice Bureau and get as much information as possible, they will also help you to a certain point.

    They might be able to contact and make necessary appointments on your behalf with Council Housing , Marriage Guidance, DHSS, Social Services, CSA, and a host of other different agencies if needed.

    Free time with a Solicitor will be arranged, in case one is needed on Legal Aid.

    But never worry, and never let your son see you sad and depressed, always keep a smile on your face and be positive.
    Soon, when all things will have been sorted out, you will realize that probably, it wasn't as bad as it looks now.

    Your husband has moral and legal obbligations in regard to the child, and for your own peace of mind, do not let him have him full time.

    Take care for now, and let us all know what is happening.
    Aromulus, Jul 15, 2011
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  10. eljean79
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    eljean79 New Member

    Hi there Aromulus,

    Never been to CAB yet but i did went to Jobcenter to start claiming Lone Parents Entitlements.
    I got my CTC and CB and now im into Income Support been already to the council office here
    about the Housing Benefits and Council Tax Benefit won't be getting it until they will award me
    the Income Support.
    CSA Child Support Agency has contacted me but i said were doing private agreement.
    Council Housing i have filled a application already just waiting for a reply.
    Marriage Guidance never known one.
    DHSS i dont know what it is all about.

    He calls once a week to check up on our child and everytime he give the child support.
    Asking how is everything going.
    I only tell him whatever he ask that's all but deep inside it hurts so much(being a filipina were sensitive and emotional).
    Even though everytime he phones i wish i could tell him to come back and make things work as i have already beg,pleaded
    for him to stay for the sake of our child but,he still chooses to leave.
    I have already suffered a lot of issue with him during the times while we were still together.
    And i guess i have already seen it coming i thought it won't hurt much but it actually hurts more when it did happened

    I remember it was so easy for him to just leave like that and make a decision right there in then about everything and didn't care whatever will ever happened to me and my son.(sigh)
    I had almost was about to give our son to him on that time he decided to leave as i have no idea on what to do or never known any of this thing that i can actually get a help.
    I only found it out when i started searching online about my situation.
    Everytime, i thought of giving my son to him my heart feels like it been squeezed that bad and i can't breathe and to know that he is actually leaving us and taking my son with him just doesn't feel right.
    After all the things that we been through i dont know how it was so easy for him to threw it all off.
    Maybe, because he has the family to accept him whatever happens unlike me that i am alone here with my son.

    Oh how i wish i could just go home(philippines) and be with my mom.Just to be away from all the hurt.
    I do hope one day that i can say that i am sooo happy and over him.

    My son has seen me cry many times and he just keep saying "sorry mommy" and "dont worry mommy"(hes only 3 yrs old)i just can't help not to be sad and breakdown....it breaks my heart more because i feel and think that i failed to give him a family.
    I just can't stop crying everytime i remember all the memories but i know i will stop,i just dont know when.
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2011
    eljean79, Jul 15, 2011
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  11. Micawber
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    Micawber Renowned Lifetime Member

    eljean,
    I'm so sorry to learn about what's happening in your life right now.

    Although I cannot add any valuable advice to help you, I can and will include you in my prayers.
    Continue to be strong, proud and patient.
    Micawber, Jul 15, 2011
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  12. eljean79
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    eljean79 New Member

    Micawber,Thank you for the prayers i really do need lots of them....:grouphug:
    eljean79, Jul 15, 2011
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  13. Aromulus
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    Aromulus The Don Staff Member

    No, you haven't failed in giving him a family....... His coward father failed him by abandoning him and weekly maintenance, which one day soon enough will stop, isn't going to help make the pain go away.
    I strongly advise you to Use the CSA services, as if the father for any reasosns stops paying maintenance, you will have nothing to buy essentials with.

    If he moves, or loses the job, or if he find someone else, chances are that he won't pay a penny anymore.
    Aromulus, Jul 16, 2011
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  14. oss
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    oss Somewhere Staff Member

    He's quit his job already Dom which begs the question of how he manages to help at all?

    eljean to give you an idea of how much you should expect from the CSA from a working man, to support his child, back in the early 1990's I was on about 24,000 pounds a year, I was paying about 350 pounds a month which was a little more than the CSA would have demanded from me given my circumstances at the time, as I said we kept the CSA out of our lives as they do tend to make a difficult situation utterly intolerable.

    Sadly you are probably right Dom most absent fathers do tend eventually to walk away completely, the fact he already quit his job is not a good sign.

    eljean you mention the CSA have already been in touch, I don't know exactly how they work nowadays but you have to be careful, once you are receiving Income Support they will not give you the choice to say you have a private agreement, that is not allowed. They will insist that you give them the fathers details and they WILL pursue him, however in the old days many women were left in the position that the CSA imposed an order but then failed to actually collect from the father in the meantime the benefits were reduced anyway which was incredibly unfair to the child and the partner with care!

    One thing you should note is that the Philippines has a reciprocal child maintenance agreement with the UK see here http://www.csa.gov.uk/en/case/remo.asp if you were able to get a court order against him here you could still get paid if you returned to the Philippines.

    That page refers to actions taken against absent parents living abroad however it works both ways and can act the other way if you were living in the Philippines again.

    I am not advising this course of action as you have much better support from the health service, education service and government in general here in the UK and when your wee boy gets a bit older and is in school you will have a better chance to work.
    oss, Jul 16, 2011
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  15. eljean79
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    eljean79 New Member

    Oss,

    He has got a job right away(he has been offered a job back home from were his father and brother work in a bakery) after quiting the job were we live together b4.

    This is the story we have move away 1 hour travel from his hometown and to get closer the previous job he had here about just 5 mins away walk as he has been travelling for 2 hours a day to work.
    I decided to move here as there is filipinos here and job opportunity is more compare to were he used to live.
    Inlaws were not so pond of me and we almost pay for all the bills as they have move out of the house from the time i came to live with my husband and given ask all the rent and bills for the 4 bedroom council house.(i know)so obvious they were against it.
    I though it would be wise and responsible to move out and start living on our own as we are married.
    And also for the reason that my inlaws arent really that helpful on us.
    Anyway,b4 the split happens just wondering why brother had phoned up offering his bro a job back home when they know he has already stable job.
    At the same day we split the first thing husband did was to phone up his bro and telling him that he is going to accept the job back home and quit his job here...
    Its so easy to figure it out anyway...
    Anyway.....i might give it a go to go CAB...
    and also there is also an online calculator in how much you be getting from husband through CSA.
    I have read as well that a private agreement wont affect your benefits.
    He has been financially supportive anyway in fairness like he has been continually paying and helping to pay the rent until i get it all...I never had any money problems from him during our marriage as i am the one who manage it.
    He has been helpful and did not totally like abandon us financially
    He has mentioned that he can't visit yet till he gets a car so i dont know if he just guilty of what he has done.
    I dont know i really don't want to get my hope high as i just known that he is already on a rebound relationship right now.
    I am really trying the very best i can to stay strong for all of this as i always look at my lil boy...and i always says oh god help me.

    The idea of going back home (philippines) has come across my mind and told my husband that he won't let it happen and would fight for his kid not being taken back there. but i won't be able to see him if have to go back here to work and provide for him.
    But i would rather give him to his dad at least i get to see him every weekends but i still couldn't really see it works for me.
    Just want to get the rent and utility bills being paid and some money for the food as i am good at budgeting anyway, will do good for us for the mean time till everything settles and i have manage everything in places it just so hard when you are just learning to swim from all of this.
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2011
    eljean79, Jul 16, 2011
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  16. oss
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    oss Somewhere Staff Member

    Ah I see, it does not sound like he is the type who will run away from his responsibilities completely.

    The private agreement thing not affecting benefits sounds strange if that is true it is a very big change in the way the CSA works. The specific benefit where the CSA would get involved in the past was Income Support if you were on that then the income support was reduced by the amount you were receiving from the absent parent via the CSA.

    If you can find the strength to get through this terrible time in your life then you and you little boy will probably be better off in the UK.
    oss, Jul 16, 2011
    #16
  17. eljean79
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    eljean79 New Member

    I am going for another interview regarding my new for income support,as i have applied b4 same time as i applied for CB then got refused for the reason that i wasn't claiming CB and it took 12 weeks For CB to come through to me.

    I will ask the Jobcenter agent in regards to that matter as we dont have any signed agreement anyway...well see
    I really do pray to get through all this as I am more scared for my son if it was just myself i can always go to a fren
    and find a job and carry on with my life but this more delicate as there is a child involved....

    I have survived in the PI were hardship/struggle is normal in day to day living.
    I just need to get my self together and make the right choices for both of us.
    eljean79, Jul 16, 2011
    #17
  18. Balot
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    Balot Active Member Lifetime Member

    eljean i am sending my deep sympathy to you being married at times is like gamble..a very tough road that we dont really know whats ahead..one thing i could say..be tough and be strong for your child at this moment he needs you..if you and your husband is meant togther no matter how tough the situation is he will come back.life is complex same as human being but we have to be strong in all the decision we gonna make:like:
    Balot, Jul 16, 2011
    #18
  19. Bigtombowski
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    Bigtombowski Pinaka Gwapo

    Hi Eljean.

    You may remember me from before, from a few years ago. We used to talk and laugh online.

    I remember also talking to your husband, I can even remember his name. He was typically thoroughly unpleasant, and said a lot of hurtful things to me. I think he was probably just a bit possessive that his wife was speaking to a man! (silliness)!

    Well, Eljean, you will get a lot of support from us. I think that if you have not already had, there will probably be some private messages with people sending you more information and their own personal experiences.

    I think you will definitely get your rent paid for you - Housing Benefit. You'll also benefit from going to CAB as others have said.

    Again, I am so sorry to hear about your situation, especially since you have a child together with your STBXH. I really hope things look positive for you soon, and I know that in time, you will be able to move on stably.

    Be strong!

    Tom.
    Bigtombowski, Jul 17, 2011
    #19
  20. eljean79
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    eljean79 New Member

    Hello!Tom

    Yeah how will i ever forget about you we use to talk and were friends are we before, i just have to stop our communication as my stbxh is indeed possessive!i actually saw a lot of red flags from him by the way he talk and approach people...

    add me on my fb El Jean thank you tom good to know you still remember me!hehe...thought you never like me since my STBXH is unpleasant.

    I wasn't really proud of some of his manners...sorry for that.

    I know im gonna be ok...thanks people it feels so much better to hear from good people in here who understand you...
    eljean79, Jul 17, 2011
    #20
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