Dying Father in Real Relationship?

Hi all,

I am sorry to post here as I don't want to bring my concerns to what I can see is a place with a positive vibe with real stories of love and companionship. I am unsure what to do in reality to be supportive or be concerned about my dying father. He is 70 with advanced cancer who has a year or two left of life. He has been in an online only relationship with a 42 year old lady for three years who is married but separated with a 16 year old son. She lives in the Philippines and is trying to get her over to the UK and has been financially supporting her on an off for a while sending money for schooling and for other items she needs. I understand that she is a nanny who works a lot in China. He has tried to get her to the UK before and paid for that to happen but she was unable to come over. He is now trying again and has been advised by her brother in the process and has sent over £10,000 so that there is sufficient funds in the account to show financial capability for a long stay. As far as I can see he has never received anything in return, no cards or gifts etc in that time and they have never met other than talk over skype video and chat. There is no mention of him on her facebook page. I am not sure where it can go but he would like her to be with him. I guess I need to know in all your experience should I help make that happen?

Apologies,

Gavin

Hi Gavin
Very sorry to hear about your father.
You must ensure no more money is sent, regardless of the circumstances.
Can you access the £10000 account and get that back?
I fear your father has fallen foul of a very unscrupulous person and family.
Sorry my message is blunt but best wishes

Hi Mattecube,

thank you for your reply and concern. No he does not it is her bank account. I am not even sure how to talk with him about it. I guess you can all help either way with your perspectives.

thx

Gavin

Sorry to hear about your father gavin,terrible news.As for the online-relationship,i wont comment on that,i think he needs positivity and even a few crumbs of happiness at the moment but please listen to Mattcube's advice.

Talking with your dad on this subject is going to be extremely difficult and emotionally upsetting for all concerned, it is after all his money and if his actions give him peace of mind then so be it.
That said if I were in your shoes I would get conversant with what is required for a visit visa and discuss it with him when he is able.

Thanks Druk1, it is quite a difficult situation. Nobody wants him to feel worse I just worry how he will be in May if he is still alone. :-(

Can you not chat to the lady mate?Phone her up,find out the lay of the land?Your dad's not alone,he has you and you have his best interests at heart.

I have shared the Gov.co.uk guidance but does not want to talk to me about it. He trusts her brother and pretty much keeps me out of it. I have not been judgmental in any way. I am also know that he has made changes to his will. It is his money to do what he likes with it but if this lady is not true then it could destroy the family. :-(

He and she have not asked to speak with me and I don't want to invade his privacy and I don't want him to feel that he is losing control of his life. You should see how he takes a selfie before he talks with her to make sure his hair is looking good. I guess I feel suspicious due to the 28 year age gap you know. I am not even sure what I would ask her about. I am concerned that he gets nothing in return for his kindness, no christmas cards, no birthday cards or gifts or even a mention on her facebook account. I can't even discuss marriage etc as she is separated from her husband in the Philippines and he is now having mobility issues and can't travel. :-(

what a mess.

Sadness runs through that post He still wants to look good for her,best not shatter his dreams,its just really sad they cant meet at the moment due to his illness.

What else could anyone add to this!? It's a very sad story as clearly your father has come across the wrong individual and will probably not accept he is being scammed until it's too late.

How much of your own cyber investigations have you done with this woman? Do you know her real name? Could you create another Facebook profile to try and catfish the girl. At 42, she is probably a bit too old to be of the generation who leave massive internet footprints behind them. Even so, there's probably a decent chance she has dating profiles out there. Hell, are you even confident that her "brother" is not a boyfriend or husband? Is it possible to cyber stalk her family members as the chances are that they will have public posts, maybe years old, but could contain vital information about her.

If you succeeded in exposing the girl, I'm sure it would upset your father but it sounds like which ever way the sorry saga turns, he is not going to like it.

Best of luck!

Thanks for all your responses. I will keep and eye on him and see how the visa application goes. She has started the process but I am not sure if the visa will even come through as I have no idea how the consulate will evaluate their application? She is going for the Visitor Visa.

Hope for your dads sake its granted,any morsel of comfort at a time like this

Hi Gavin,
Sorry to hear about your father's illness.
You don't need to apologise, things happen.
All the facts you have presented points to him being scammed unfortunately. The strangest thing is that she has not sent any cards or any romantic things in the post.
That £10,000 is probably worth £100,000 to her.
Can he travel? Can anyone in your family go with him to the Philippines for a few weeks?

Hi Aposhark,

thanks for you post. Sadly he now has mobility issues due to the advanced stage of his cancer and he can no longer walk very far it is more of a shuffle really. Travelling is no longer an option for him. He is hoping that she can come over in May after the visa is sorted out but I wonder if there will be some reason why she is not able to come over again. He paid once for her to break an employment contract to leave a nanny job and flight but instead she went to Hong Kong. So I don't know what to think. He has been disappointed once already. I just feel for him if he is being scammed but to find out that is true in the last few months of his life is heartbreaking.

Thx

G

Hi Oss,

they started via an AsianCupid.com website I think about 4 years ago. The profile name etc was different to her actual name so I guess they moved on from the early days. His health was good then. He has paid for her to break a nanny job to come over to the UK and paid for a flight but she went instead to Hong Kong I believe. He was very disappointed about that. He does not open up about things but I have gleaned that there have been issues for her family like needing double glazed or windows for the home to prevent mosquito infections. I even kind of heard that the wrong ones had been installed. I also think he paid a monthly allowance but I don't think that is active any more. He has also paid for the schooling fees I think for the child who is 16 or 17. So on top of the recent payment for the travel visa a lot of money has gone out. They have not met but I dont think there are requests for money I think he feels obliged to help out. I would have been happier had they actually met up some time ago when there was a chance. I am concerned that there will be a reason why she can't come over in April/May. So I don't know. It just does not feel right as there is no mention of him on her facebook page and she looks well dressed with a reasonable life as far as I can tell. The facebook page carries the profile name she had from the dating page.

I actually want him to be happy in his final year or two. I really don't want him to find out later that he has invested a lot of money into a scammer only to have is heart broken and to be made to feel a fool of before he dies. It is that which breaks my heart.

Thx

G

Hi Gavman1970,
Is there any chance all the family can get together with him, to try to persuade him to see sense?
You say he has 1-2 years to go.
Look at the worst-case scenario - she could fleece him of everything he has.
That would be terrible news if she does and him not being well also.

Have you discussed with your father about getting Power of Attorney--and taking over control of his finances ? i did with my late father...partly to prevent him getting ripped off by a religious scam that was already costing him a few thousand.

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a friend of mine parted company with her husband--and divorced him. apparently he was not the full shilling, and she remained his carer. . she knew roughly what he was worth. time went by and he was admitted to hospital with heart-related health issues--and an operation was carried out. unexpectedly he died. she arranged his funeral--and discovered he was flat broke. it transpired he had been bilked of all his money by some Egyptian woman he had befriended online.