Please critique my mini train wreck

Welcome to the forum. And welcome back to me after being absent for quite some time.

Frankly, I feel that if this woman is talking to another person, and she doesn't know your actual situation after a number of years, then your relationship is really not where it should be in terms of honesty or commitment.

Since you 'half expect' that every time you visit will be the last, then I reckon that in your heart you recognise that too. I would not suggest that you contemplate bringing her to the UK, on such a flimsy foundation. Fear of loss is not a good enough reason to carry on a relationship. One has to question why you decided to end it in the first place.

I also wonder whether you've been a little too generous with your money to date. There are plenty of predatory women out there who are very good at parting men from their money. My wife knows a woman who used to live on her street, who has successfully duped four or five western guys to send her money for this and that for more than five years. She has absolutely no morals. And yet she comes across as sweet as can be.

I also wonder whether your self esteem issues are a good enough reason for you to consider marrying another person from the other side of the planet. It seems to me that you are considering her because she happens to be attractive and, (reading between the lines) is therefore the best that you believe that you are going to get. I wouldn't be so sure about the latter point and the former consideration is transient.

Personally, I would suggest that you might sort out your emotional and financial baggage first before making a commitment that I reckon you will live to regret.

However, the good thing about asking for advice is that people invariably follow the maxim:

Ask for advice
Mull it over
Then you can just do what you want

.... and NO, my partner has never had anything whatsoever to do with working in bars, or has any big secrets !

I was thinking the same, 12k is not a lot of debt if you are earning half decent money, unless there are other expenses involved in this story that the OP has not divulged.

She's not 'the one'. If she was you wouldn't have all these questions and doubts.

If someone is 'the one', you don't think it. You know it.

good to see you back on here mate

Thank you both. That's very kind, although I'm sure there are others who will not breathe a sigh of relief.

Blimey!! This is the best Dear John thread I've ever seen!!
No advice from me as I am completely useless with this type of situation and unqualified to answer..
You probably have all the answers in your head somewhere..
Hopefully all this good advice you have been getting here will help sort out your priorities and drag them out one way or the other!
Good luck!

Dear John!!!
Missed you!! Did you miss us?

I see this as possibly my last chance to a relationship with a girl who's roughly the same age. When I'm 50, would I ever look at a new prospective partner my same age? Perhaps I'm just incredibly shallow. There's stigma enough with having an Asian partner, even more so if you are 30 years her senior!

a lot of us have wives / partners with a considerable age gap--in my case 23 years--but it looks a lot more. i dont think theres much of a stigma these days. i cant for the life of me imagine being tucked up with an english woman my age.

Exactly. As you say - really, truly, and with no question of doubt in your mind.

So you know she's the one, even if it doesn't work as a relationship.

If you actually find a 'one' - which a lot of people probably never do and just end up with whoever happens to come along - you know about it.

That's my feeling anyway. Calling someone 'the one‘ means more than just stumbling into a sort of relationship and not really being particularly sure of how you feel about it.

Sorry to say some of the ops posts are contradictory.
But I wish him well

... and if he can't cope with the dreaded 'stigma'... better leave her in the Phils anyway.

Wait til all your mates start trying to date her behind your back too. . Need a big pair.

Honesty is a two way street and you have not been honest with her either about your situation. Maybe that will show if she is a really interested in you or not. We all know how caring Phil girls are if they really care for you. As for the Japanese guy, not good but if she feels you are not committed to her ( if you were you would be telling her everything ) then her issue may be that you are hiding someone also, not a debt. You know your reality, she only has her perceptions. She may also be really angry that having so much debt you still gave her all these things ( which was a nice thing to do).

I am a leap before you look person but start being honest to her yourself. You may be surprised, or you may be saved. Life is not about certainties, its about risk, courage and picking yourself back up. Whatever happens, you cannot look back and say it was a bad time can you? Good luck

They're not mates.

Okay... EX- mates.

That's fair enough. In normal circumstances, it shouldn't be a problem. I have to hold my hands up to my own irresponsibility and living the highlife when I should have been paying off the debt. Totally my own fault. I guess the problem is that if given the choice, I'd much rather be anywhere but the UK. The thought of giving up my 2nd life, those idyllic 2 weeks in the Philippines does not appeal! You don't need to tell me how shortsighted this viewpoint is. I know that it needs confronting.

Great! And the local chickens up in Pangasinan lay golden eggs and the rats taste like ribeye steak!
(and that's meant to be lighthearted - don't take it personally. Whether Pinay or British, no man will truly know the inner workings of a woman's mind)

When I first met this girl in 2010 (Angelwitch - I guarantee there will be several here familiar with that place), I never expected it to be anything more than 1 night. I saw her again, and again. Each time was just for 1 night and we both went our separate ways. Then in 2012, I was a bit bored with the whole one night stand thing, so I stayed with her a bit longer. After a few bumps and twists in the road, here we are!

I don't kid myself for a second that she saw me as husband material over those first couple of years. However, we grew closer and the business relationship became one of mutual respect to one of affection to one where we say mahal kita. That is how I stumbled into the relationship. I will confidently say that none of the men here are what our partners dreamed about. However, the caring nature of a Filipina means they can form a love for even the unlovable.

I didn't go searching for a wife or a longterm girlfriend through any of the dating websites. I would say that our relationship has a much stronger backbone than most of those which were forged online.

I ended the relationship because I did not want to take R's prime years away from her. I used the Japanese indiscretion as an excuse to give me the moral highground and make me less of a villain. Yes, give me Prick of the Year Award. I deserve it.

It is only now that I've then considered what if I did make this relationship permanent? Are my problems at home insurmountable? I've known for a long time that R could have been the One, but the thoughts at the front of my mind always told me that it was too unrealistic so don't even go there.

Too generous? Yes, guilty as charged. I've always taken far greater pleasure in handing out the pasalubong than addressing my own financial issues.

However, I have not been duped or manipulated. As I said before, I'm not some naive lovestruck virgin. I can be a hard-faced bastard when needs be.

Despite how I might be coming across in this thread, I don't have any emotional baggage. I know full well that I could round up a dozen equally attractive girls in a couple of days if I wanted. With R, I do like the full package. Her sense of humour, her personality, she's daft as a brush. Take away the stereotypes, and she is a really sweet person on the inside. It's one of life cruelties that people are forced to take certain paths.

I've never mentioned debt to R before because I didn't think it was anything for her to be concerned about. I was never anticipating a permanent relationship. Even if I do come clean, I'm not sure that she will fully understand. I can 99.99% guarantee that she will simply say "that's ok, I still love you" and go straight back to taking her 72nd selfie of the week.

Having re-read my remark, the comment about the stigma of being with a Filipina 30 years younger was not meant as sarcastic jab at anyone.

I can live with banter. One of my female colleagues is a season ticket holder at Man ****ty and she always has a joke about the bloke who sits in front of her at stadium who is accompanied by his Thai bride. We joke back and forth that her Anthony is probably dead jealous when he realises what he's been married to for the past 20 odd years. I couldn't give 2 hoots about those who would sneer at the relationship though I would hope it doesn't come from within my family.

I'd be relaxed about other people trying it on with R if she came to this country. I think with the right level of commitment, she would be as loyal as you can expect from any wife.

How so? I've tried to be totally honest in this thread. It may be disjointed and full of waffle, but I don't think I've embellished anything and it is still my own true thoughts.

I started this thread with the feeling that I am going to end the relationship now and give R her freedom (no matter how much she protests that she does not want it).

However, I am now leaning stronger towards the side that I would be too hasty in throwing this away. R has wanted to come with me for years. I always told her that I will never marry before I'm 40 which has been my way of snuffing out that conversation.

Despite the problems, I think R and myself could have a good life here. Probably better than what I was thinking in years gone by. Of course, this will need brutal honesty, I will need her to sanitise all her social media and she will need to be aware that the next 12 months will need focus on us rather than her family commitments. It angers me a great deal that her brother knocks up a 16 year old girl, and the family then look to R to provide milk etc. They put her under far too much pressure. That will be a very tough nut to crack as this obligation to support her family, no matter what, is ingrained in her DNA. Trips abroad will also be slashed.

I am going to thoroughly research the visa process on my next days off this coming Monday (after the interview)/Tuesday as I still know very little about it. If I still think there is a possibility, I'm going to set the ball rolling.

Correct... The obligation will stay with them forever..