Sending allowances to the Philippines.

So I wanted to find out people's experiences with their in-laws and specifically about sending money to the Philippines. My wife went to the CFO sticker meeting yesterday where they generously acknowledged that there was a 'culture difference' in this regard. Some people here will be lucky enough to have in-laws in the Philippines that never ask for a thing. Others may find that the in-laws are constantly asking for money and seem locked in perpetual drama, or that certain members of the family refuse to work and expect to be supported. What are the experiences that people have had and how have they handled it? Have there been occasions when this has caused arguments and strains within your relationships? did you find that demands for money (if there were any) lessened or increased when your filipino partner left the country to the land paved with gold?

I'm also curious how many people have heard stories that 'so and so's neighbour's western boyfriend bought her parents a house' or been asked 'why hasn't your boyfriend bought a house for you?'.

For myself, I haven't bought any houses and I frankly don't intend to. I feel that these guys who feed the whole village, throw lavish parties or buy houses are frankly just perpetuating the myth of the rich westerner who has the money tree in the yard. So is this widespread?

Am I just a kuripot tight so and so for not toeing the line and buying houses and scattering money like rainwater? What are people's experiences and views?

Perpetual drama. Yup. that just about sums it up.

Since my wife got a job she's been sending 150 quid a month to her mum. Seems simple enough, but it's not. Because, as soon as she started doing it, all of a sudden three of her sisters decided to move in with their mum with all their families! So they were all trying to get the benefits of her monthly money.

Then she had - of all people - her brother-in-law complaining to her that she didn't send enough! So she then got annoyed and said she wouldn't send any more until they all moved out because the money is for her mum, not them.

Then she decided to order a couple of bikes for a couple of her nieces who she used to look after. That caused resentment among the same brother in law, because she never sent a bike for his kids too! He seems a bit of a one, this brother in law.

Then there's the typhoon, which caused the family home to be destroyed. So her and her sister in Germany are helping towards a new house. The first instance involved being told how much it would cost, and then them sending the money (it's mainly her sister doing it, as the house is in her name, but my wife contributes too). Of course, the money rapidly disappeared and they wanted more.

So, what they do now, is make the family buy a bit at a time. Eg - you want paint. Ok. Here's money for paint. Buy the paint, then I'll send money to pay for someone to do the painting, and so on. That causes problems too. Guess who with? The brother in law!

It doesn't cause problems within our relationship although it does sometimes put her in a bit of a grump. It's her money, so she can do what she wants with it.

I do enjoy hearing her shouting down the phone in Waray on a Saturday morning though!

I'm so happy that its not just me. I have an attitude that I don't mind helping someone who wants to help themselves. "Teach a man to fish" and all that. I've tried paying for courses to improve education and employment. We've tried businesses. But whatever happens, its never enough. You send money for something and it gets spent on something else. I have a huge problem with the brothers and sisters (and their partners) who move in and try and sponge off the parents, none of them working, and all of them just siting around waiting for the magic money to come in from the sky. I've noticed a bit of an increase in drama since we got married. I've always been a bit of a hardass compared to some people but I'm not inhumane - I just realized very early on that no matter how much money you would give, it would never, ever be enough.

I wouldn't have a problem with my wife sending a resaonable amount of allowance, but I would have a problem with it (in the UK) if it amounted to an unfair share of her take home income so I was essentially paying for everything for our life and everything she earned went to her family. That doesn't seem right to me.

This is a reply in two parts.

Part One.

I met my ex in 1991. I gave her the money to buy land and build a house for her mother and her stepfather. Actually, quite a nice house. I also paid for her to go to college. We married in 1997 and divorced in 2010 by which time we had been living in England for a decade and she had UK citizenship. She was the eldest of what I have come to think of as the usual seven children and her mother and stepfather brought up her siblings in the house. Her mother, who is now seventy, still lives there, separated from her stepfather, with one bakla son, a grandson and a great grand daughter aged one, the grand daughter having gone to live with her own mother, a daughter, in Dubai. As you might expect, I contribute nothing further to these arrangements. I rather think that this foreigner has done enough.

Part Two

K is the youngest of seven. She has not asked me to contribute to her family. I have, however, done so on three specific occasions, which I will list.

I bought a niece a laptop.
I paid for some repairs to the parents house
I am paying her elder brother's hospital bills at this moment

In the event that K gets a visa and chooses to settle in England, I anticipate that some "sustento" may wing its way towards her parents.

Thanks for the reply @Methersgate . Did you receive any drama whilst you were doing the above in part one? or was it gratefully received with never a hint of asking for anything else? And in part 2 - do you feel that the other brothers and sisters in the family are 'doing their bit' - or is there a hint of the attitude that 'well there's a westerner in the family now so we don't have to pay anything anymore' ?

I agree, although thankfully she's strong enough to put limits on it.

I do pay for pretty much everything, but I'm fine with that. The money she earns in a month probably works out less than I have left over when I've paid all that has to be paid - including money for my kids etc.

And she works harder than I do, even if I do earn more.

I don't think she's really had disposable income before, so I'd certainly not resent her doing what she wants with it.

Yeah. I think its important for the Filipino to be strong and to be able to resist the emotional blandishment. What does your wife do? Did she find it difficult to get a job in the UK ?

Money money money.....in some shape or form it all revolves around money

She works in a supermarket. It wasn't too difficult for her. We did cv's and stuff and she handed a few out in shops and cafes, although the job she eventually got was actually one that I applied for online on her behalf, and when they called her for an interview she didn't even know she'd applied!

She also did voluntary work in a Charity shop as soon as she was allowed to, so that she could put it down as UK experience on her cv.

Since then, she actually found another job (working in catering on site at the Vodafone head office), which was Mondays to Fridays so had better hours. She handed in her resignation from the shop, but they let her do Monday to Friday daytimes so that she would stay, so it worked out pretty well because she liked her original job but the hours were a bit of a pain as she had been doing evenings and weekends a lot.

My wife gets fed up with her family has i send her money to look after her and my son but her family seem to want more and are never happy, her brother expects her to put him through school and other brother just wants to sponge off her.

I have never given my wife any money or any of her family members, I don't believe in it and none of them need money anyway.

I am quite confident though that my wife sends money to her daughters occasionally, its her money and she can do what she likes with it as long as I get the agreed amount of money from her each month.

If you have kids in the Philippines then I think it is the duty of the father to send money for living expenses and for education.

I can fully understand people sending money to the Philippines and the problems that may arise from it, the saying "money is the root of all evil" isn't that far from the truth

Very nice question.

Part One: Never any drama, and even now my ex's mother and aunt can never do enough for me and would treat me like the complete local hero, given the chance, including telling everyone what they think of their daughter/niece and how she treated me. Mind you, I was pretty damn generous! There was just one request for something else - my ex's grandfather, an Elder of the InC, let it be known that if the English son in law could see his way to bringing a suit length of English worsted with him, he had a tailor who could make him a nice suit... Since he was rather a fine man, I had no trouble agreeing to this. He was delighted, and in the end he was buried in it.

Part Two - this may be a bit out of the usual - I am not the only English son in law in the family!

The odds of five daughters selecting more than one foreign husband may be reasonably high if, as in this case, it's a family with "good looking" genetics, down in part to a Spanish grandmother, but the odds of two of the five daughters both ending up with Englishmen must be vanishingly small. Papa did let it be known, early on, that with two foreign sons in law his future was secure, but I think the penny has now dropped that the two English sons in law talk to each other...competing to show off is not the English style, and furthermore, John is a Yorkshireman!

I have told John more than once that the good brand image that he had already built up contributed to K selecting me, but he denies this.

There was, for a long time, a Fil-Am daughter in law, who was ruthlessly squeezed for financial contributions, she being a successful businesswoman and living in California, but her husband was unwise enough to be caught cheating on her, and she fired him, since which time his stock has fallen very low indeed... he is I gather working as a security guard in Makati and dare not go home, as his face has fallen so catastrophically. She and I are still good friends, and exchange notes...

I always enjoy reading your little stories Andrew, they always have some amusing content

my fiancee asked me to help her out when she was last here on a visit visa for 6 months-----so she could send money back for her kids ( and her ex i think ). i also paid her annulment fees--cleared her uk bank overdraught and credit card.. when she was about to return--she asked for a small monthly allowance--which i agreed to--for the first year...

this year ive paid her bills for her medical treatment--which hopefully will end at the end of september.

then--all being well--its the visa fee--the NHS surcharge--then the flight--then the FLR fee--not to mention the wedding.

money for her relatives ? that really would be the last straw.

Teach a Filipino to fish and then buy him a fishing net..Then he`ll ask for a Banca with a 16HP inboard engine and 20 Gallons of fuel..
When the net breaks.the fuel runs out and the engine fails... Send $$$`s viaW/U...,
After all it was your stupid idea to teach him to fish in the first place..

Laugh. Many a truth told in jest huh? Oh dear. Maybe this is part of the package when you're dealing with a developing country. Surely there must be someone out there who has a a success story of teaching a filipino relative to fish and them living happily ever after without asking for another cent?

Certainly not from me. Sadly.

When we lived in the UK we would quite often send small amounts to family requests (£100 - £200) for medical, education and emergencies.
It didn't really bother us as it was not really regular and we could afford to it.
The only regular remittances covered educational costs for those few talented students who we judged would 'make it' and for emergencies.
I should add that emergencies seemed to get more and more expensive.
Since living here we've learnt so much more about the real financial needs of those family members who took so much.
Sadly we've realised the extent to which we were taken advantage of over the years.
At first we just said to ourselves forget the past lets start our new life as one big happy family.
Big mistake. The lies, deceit and scams just continued.
I seemed to have become even more of a philanthropist since living here than when we lived in the UK.
I came here to retire and live my remaining years in peaceful bliss with my wonderful wife at my side and an ice cold beer in my hand. Now that I have a finite amount of disposable income I have no intentions of impacting my health due to stress. I know just what I need to do in order to survive in this country and to live safe and happy.

I'll just mention that, like many others, my wife has a huge family split into the haves and the have nots.
the have nots, 100%, also do not have any steady job.

So we've recently made some changes. Our close and trusted family circle is now very significantly much smaller.
The volume of communications has shrunk accordingly and we've become happier.
I'd always previously considered the support of our family to be a key factor in our Philippine retirement. Now I realise this is simply not a given
Solely from my own experience and thinking I've concluded that such trust issues do appear to me to be cultural.
If there's an opportunity for a quick gain then most folks here in the Philippines, in my view, will look to take as much advantage as they think they can get away with.
Many folks here in the Philippines live only in the moment without too much thought analysis to the future consequences of their 'now' actions.

I've learnt the hard way that you need to look very long and very hard to find those you can really trust here in the paradise islands.
One of my weaknesses is that I try to always make an effort not to pre-judge or make value judgements.
I'll be aiming to continue along those lines but I know I'll find it hard to be as open and trusting as I was.
Sad really because I'm the only one who got hurt and who lost a part of who I am.

So my advice, just be very careful:-
What you give
How you give
To whom you give
When you give
Don't give what you cannot afford to lose

Don't give what you cannot afford to lose

never a truer word--------

Very accurate and this should really be a "sticky".

I think it is also true to say that many Filipinos are not good at money management either, I know of Filipinos that have squandered a lot of money because they are not used to handling large sums. Take for example a Filipino earning £500 per month in the Philippines and then they move to the Middle East to work and start earning £4000 per month tax free, besides their families moving in on them for money they still have money burning a hole in their pockets and cannot resist the urge to spend spend spend.

I used to see many Filipinas in Dubai wearing designer shoes, designer handbags over their shoulders, Rolex watch, fancy sunglasses, the full Monty, I used to say to my wife "I bet everything they have, they are wearing "and she reckoned that may well be the case.