You know you have a filipina wife in the UK when:

Mine says " on the light". Makes sense really.

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You know you have a Filipina wife in Spain when:

1. Her Family think you own a printing press that makes money.

--- My wife's family would only be happy if the printing press knocked out copies of The Watchtower. Luckily, she has no contact with her blood family, having told them to 'sling their hook' when they suggested (strongly) that she marry someone from within the faith (cult)

2. You need Skype Credit or an international calling plan.

Her adopted family get regular updates, luckily through facebook messenger and therefore, free!

3. She arrives with about one thousand light summer dresses but no coat and lots of open toe shoes and flip flops but no boots.

Summer in Spain is boiling hot, and it's only just beginning to cool down. I'm beginning to buy in the winter woolies, before frostbite and amputations become too irritating.

4. You can buy clothes in the petite and children's clothes section that fit her.

Nope. Tried that. Only.....I repeat....ONLY in the context of the above - her boobs are too big.

5. You have to buy an entire wardrobe of winter clothes, long sleeve tops, coats, warm socks, boots, scarves, hat, gloves.

This weeks shopping has included some pyjamas, a fleece jacket, several tee-shirts, yoga pants (2), hooded sweatshirts (2) and a tracksuit. Socks, scarves, boots, jeans and a winter coat are on back order. The Spanish put on their boots on October 1st until the end of May, so she will fit right in, shivering because it's only 20 degrees.

6. In August when it's 26 degrees outside, she will think it's a cool day.

Here, in August, IT IS!!

7. In October when it's 14 degrees, she will be shivering under several layers and stoutly maintain that it's incredibly cold outside.

- So will I. After twelve years here, I love the cool weather after another blistering summer, but winter, during which I wore shorts and tee-shirt all the time at first, now has me running for my warmer clothes.

8. She runs outside and is excited by 1mm of snow.

I don't think that's what they mean by Costa Blanca.

9. Your kitchen occasionally stinks of dried fish.

We have yet to find a stockist. We have yet to find a recipe/method. I must admit, I'm not helping in the search.

10. Your bathroom has some new plastic bowls added to it for washing.

Her bathroom has a bidet, which now has a soap dish and bar of soap. (There is a soap dish and bar of soap, plus liquid soap and/or wet wipes next to every single tap in the apartment!)

11. You run out of bathroom tissue, and you're the only one that minds.

I just counted. We have 48 rolls in stock, plus part used. We couldn't run out of toilet tissue if we suffered a major infestation of labrador puppies!

12. Your wife will happily meet you at the door when you come home from work.

No chance! Even the dogs barely look up.

13. You receive visits from distant relatives who your wife has never met before.

It took seventeen months to get my wife here. Fat chance of getting a visa for relatives to visit

14. Every filipino you meet wants to boast about how much money they have now.

I wouldn't have a clue. I know the Tagalog for Water, (tubig), Four (dalawa) and a few other words. When my Filipina meets another Filipina, I just light up a fag and drift away on a haze of blue smoke.

15. And then asks your wife how much money you have.

I told her to tell everyone that we 'haven't got a pit to poss in'. But then wink.

16. And then they tell her parents that you're rich.

They could pass on a message or two from me while they're at it...

17. See (1)

....And hope that Jehovah is benevolent, because they would have no joy from me in that respect.

18. When she learns to drive, at first it's so dangerous that you feel like putting a flashing light on the roof of the car. You may, as we did, make an exciting and unscheduled visit up onto the pavement.

She wants an Escalade. She is 4'11. I told her that Gangsta Cool doesn't include sitting on a cushion to see out of the windscreen.

19. When she tries to move your prized sports car a few feet on the drive on her own, she misjudges it, pushes the accelerator too hard and rockets out of the drive and across the road and nearly causes an accident..

We have yet to have the delights of Melody driving, but if she can learn to ignore the needs of other roadusers entirely, fail to stop when required to do so, at other times stop without warning, run red lights, never use indicators and park with a great deal of creativity and imagination, she will fit right in with the locals.

20. You discover a dishwashing tablet has been put in the dishwasher with the plastic wrapper still on.

No space for a dishwasher as I have just had to fill the gap with another freezer, to contain lumpia wrappers and stuff.

21. She prefers to hand wash clothes because the washing machine doesn't get them clean enough...

Same reason why we didn't invest in a dishwasher.

22. She doesn't know how to use a vacuum cleaner at first...

Dust would have to have the chance to settle first, which it currently doesn't.

23. She likes to brush the floor using a broom like a witch rides on.

With one hand behind the back. An impressive skill. Why have the Philippines never raised a PGA champion??

24. She takes the christmas paper off presents and flattens it out to use it again.

And foil, and food containers, and cardboard, and plastic bottles. It's beginning to resemble a recycling plant!

25. You're happier than you have ever been in your life. [/QUOTE]

See my profile photo. Maybe the wind changed, or maybe I'm still just as happy as I was on my wedding day because this has become my default facial expression.

It's a little disconcerting for the staff when I go to the bank, but they're getting used to it.

Luckily there's a lock on the bathroom door. As embarrassing as it is to walk in on someone in the CR, to walk in on someone sitting on the loo with this facial expression can really freak you out!

Dalawa is TWO

Mine doesn't boast about money.
Good job too!

We don't have any money worries.
We don't have any to worry about...

Quod Erat Demonstrandum